I feel like crap, and yet so happy with myself.

I'm a mess, yet I'm happier being a mess than being "fixed". I'm happy consuming 380 calories like I did today. I'm happy slicing open my left wrist (though I like cutting open my right one more). I'm just perfectly fine with not eating lunch at school. I'm happy with this hungry that's nawing on my insides. I don't think I was honestly this happy when I was "okay".
I really, really, really wanna find out what I weigh. I wanna know if it's worth it (always is) today. I wanna know if I've been good enough to lose any weight.
But I need to do my homework. And get some REAL sleep tonight. And try to be "sane" (or appear it).
Alright, I'm gonna go do my homework.
Foods/drinks:
NOS: 110
Bread stick: 90(times two, though, because I was fat and told myself that they weren't THAT big)
Another energy drink: 10 per serving (two servings in the can, though)

LATER: frick. I just devoured about 200 calories of crap. I feel like I'm gonna puke. Blehhh. I should work it off and, if I wasn't a lazy ho, I would. Instead, I'm gonna go to bed and pretend it didn't happen and try to be a good girl tomorrow. fatfatfatfatfat. How will I be in the 120s anytime soon if I keep giving into impulses like this?! I'm just sooo mad at myself right now!! And I keep almost puking and I wish I just WOULD so that I won't have to feel so bad even though I'm a fat, weak, lazy brat who expects things to fall into her lap!! I'm fricking ticked off with myself. It's not good. But it is bedtime and I'm soooo tired. There are bags under my eyes from soo much lack of sleep. I need a good night's rest. So I'm gonna take it tonight.