Broken...

I feel completely broken. I don't know what's with me. Parts of the day, I'll be happy and perfectly fine and other parts...are like now. I wanna hurt myself so bad and I will. I feel so guilty, even though it might not even be my fault. But I still wanna be perfect for Mommy and Daddy so them showing how upset they are upsets me more and... well... I gave up on trying to quit cutting tonight. Figured you guys should know.
Thank you, Lottie and Rachael, for your lovely comments. Both of you put "Stay strong" on them. I know you mean by eating little and sticking to my diets and all that, but when I read those two little words... I read them as "Don't die", "Don't become suicidal and if you are, don't follow through with your thoughts", and "keep living". So, it means a lot to me that it's there.
Also, WHERE ARE ALL THESE FOLLOWERS COMING FROM!? I love them, of course, but I have 13 of them!? Holy CRAP! That's, like, thirteen people who think my life is worth keeping tabs on. That's sweet.
Okay, I've been inspired by all those websites where you can go and posts "secrets" or whatever, so I'm taking my blog Dreamless Sketch and putting my own "secrets" on there. Even though I should probably delete the other posts on there, I got some AMAZING comments that I still go back and read, so I'm not going to. I'm actually pretty scared/excited, haha.
I wrote in this journal I keep and it started out with me being so angry at my mom and cussing and just full blown ticked off mode..and then I fell and felt like no matter how I looked at it, it was my fault. "Cutting is self-punishment for existing and everything else I do wrong." That's all I could think of by time I got done. I know it hurts you guys when I hurt myself and come on here and tell you (or, I pretend it does) and there are days where I imagine cutting for months and then breaking down at L.G.'s feet, showing her the cuts and scars, telling her how bad I always feel...Everything, because she would understand unlike my ex-boyfriend who never lets anything hurt him. I imagined recently telling S.C. next concert we were both at. Would she then hate me? Take back the friendship she was so quick to give? Another reason I'm so happy I don't have to see her everyday. Seriously, Saturday was the first time we hung out and she was so hyper and I was so happy and it all just felt...Normal. That's how I'll remember her, as a person.
Alright, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm hopping off for tonight. Tomorrow, I'm gonna try again for liquids. Sorry about messing up today (yeah, I'm mainly saying that to myself). Be safe, stay strong, and we'll make it through another day, alright?