colder than I thought it was.

It was cold on my walk so I came back early because I had to potty. I'm still trying to get through episode two of Skins. Cassie shows Sid how she gets away with not eating. Cutting and stabbing the food and continually talking, asking questions, just overloading the person so they evetually can't remember if any of the food actually went into her mouth. It was...wow. She was all over the place. I know she didn't eat any of it, but I almost believed that she did. Maybe I'll try that myself, but I get scared around food. Food scares me. I'm scared that if I start eating, I won't be able to stop even though I've proven to myself that I can stop eating whenever I want. Still, food scares me. I don't like being home because home=eating and eating=not able to quit eating and that=FAT. See? Food scares me and I can go on about how it scares me, but you guys already KNOW how it feels to be scared of something that "gives life". So, I won't go on about it anymore.
You know, I have hiding not eating pretty easy. Which makes me wish I had friends who called me up and asked if I could hang out. I wish I had friends that I had to hide it from. If I only eat lunch twice a week, my current friends are happy. I can trick them soooo easily. It's like... My pain is sooo easily hidden. I want a challenge...Or maybe I just want someone who cares instead of someone who just wants to have fun. I mean, I wanna have fun too, but when I don't even get a lunch, I want someone to ask. When I say I don't feel good multiple times a week, I want someone to ask what's wrong. Honestly, I just wanna feel real and cared about for once.
Thanks for your number, Rachael, but you'll probably get text messages at weird times of the day. Like, while I'm at school. Or in the middle of the night. When I'm freaking out about how utterly crazy I feel. Because I don't have friends who understand how it feels to want to rip your skin open because it's there. And they don't get how it feels to feel fat and ugly because you ATE that day. Oh and if you go on enough walks, all those calories will build up and you will lose weight from it! It also keeps you away from food and if anyone asks if you want food, tell them you grabbed something while you were out. Well, unless there isn't anywhere at all to get anything to eat.