I've been thinking about slipping up.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's because I'm over 200 pounds? Maybe it's because my BMI is 32.8. Remember when I was 128 with a BMI of 20.7? Or even when I was a couple pounds heavier at 130 with a BMI of 21.0?
It's finals week, and I'm breaking. I want nothing but to be thin again. I don't want meds that make me gain 30 pounds over the summer. I don't want the mushy brain that likes a mushy body. I want tattoos and piercings and barely acceptable weights and to work out and like myself after and to be tiny and cold again.
I keep telling myself that if I do in a healthy manner I'll actually get to enjoy it. But it's not happening. I'm sitting here getting pudgier. I'm getting fatter. I'm not losing weight. I'm gaining gaining gaining. I'm pitiful and it sucks.
I want  to be thin again. I was to have a BMI in the 20's again. I want one that's 20.7. I want to be teeny. I want wear size three jeans and smalls and not worry. I want to not go to a doctor's office and feel like they blame all my illnesses on being fat. I wanna be skinny. I want to be thin. I want to be tiny. I want to feel bones. I want to look like I did my sophomore year of high school. I want to be cute again. I want to feel sexy in sexy underwear.

Quick post

I really need a nap, so this post will hopefully be short. I'm exhausted. I started (yesterday) that pushup challenge, so some time today I need to do 4 push ups.

I download the sparkpeople app. It's supposed to help you lose weight in a healthy-ish kind of way. Either way, unlike myfitnesspal it tries to give you a human calorie count, so that you're actually eating enough and still able to lose weight. I just started using it, and I really hope it goes well.
My doctor's visit went ok; they started me on some stomach meds to try and help me regain my appetite. I felt better for a little bit, but today I feel sick again. I think it's cause it's rainy outside. I get kind of blah and sick when it rains.
Ok, short post done.
Love,
Alex

Finally have some time alone!

I've been sick (I think) the past couple of days. I've just been so tired that it's hard to get out of bed until about four in the afternoon, even after sleeping from one AM to noon or eleven. I'm just so tired all of the time. I don't think it's depression because once I'm up, I'm motivated enough to do things. Every night I get my homework done, and then I get zeros because I couldn't get my butt to class. I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow

.
Kay- Chapter is like a weekly meeting with the entire group at the school. Social sororities have them in their nifty little chapter houses. All of the elected officials in the organization gives a report (if they have one). I don't really know how to describe it, but really it's just the official business of the group. Also, I don't know about social sororities, as I'm not in one, but during our chapter meetings we pass around "interest" forms for shirts, bags, ect.., or events. If enough of us show interest by putting our names on this paper, they send around one that says "final". Anyone with their name on the "final" is expected to pay for anything that needs purchased or be at the event.
I didn't consider that I might have readers that don't know about this kind of stuff, so I'm going to also try to explain what "pledge class" is, even though I don't know that I've said much about it.
My personal pledge class is only pledges until December 7, which is when we become "active" members (also just called actives). Basically, it's so that you know some people in the group, and so that you learn more about the actually organization. We meet every Sunday at 8, and have a quiz over materials that we've been given before hand. Last Sunday we met our "Bigs" which is basically our personal mentor.
I hope that I've explained everything well enough!
Love,
Alex
P.S. Sorry it's mostly replying to comment; I got a surprise dinner invite from friends.

No noon class, Yay!!

So far today I've had a banana (105) and some cheese (80). I've hung up some of our clean shirts, so that J.P. will quit complaining about them. I've showered. And I'm working on my first cup of coffee. I need to take out our trash. J.P. only asked that I got the one by our mini fridge because it has my kiwis in it that I was supposed to draw and then they went bad.

I don't know what to think of my scale. When I first stepped on it, it says I've lost point like four pounds. When I step on it again, it says I'm down to 201.8 (stupid how that's a "down to" and not "up to"). So frustrating.
Today I have chapter. Yay. Which means I have to be dressed up all day. However, I only have one class today, so the heels are coming off when I get back to my room. Yayy!

You know what really sucks? Is that I know I'm cute when I'm skinny. Because for a little while there, I was. I was adorable. I really wanna get back to there.
Love,
 Alex

I haven't forgotten that I'm still blogging!

I know I've not posted in a little while, but I promise that I didn't forget you!

I've been super busy. I went home yesterday for the first time since I've gotten back to school. I joined was technically an RSO, but it's called a service sorority. Unlike the social ones, we don't have large drinking parties. We go out and make the community a better place (not that I don't think social ones do too, but that's basically our main goal). So between that, hanging out with friends, homework, and sleep I've been really busy. I do think about posting every day, though. I just need to find time when J.P. isn't here.
So, I've made some mental goals, and they need written down. Ready? There's only a few.
1. Start drinking at least 8 cups of water every day again. Also, add one cup for every cup of coffee.
2. Get more organized, so that I quit forgetting to do some of my homework. I don't know how I'm going to do that, though. I have a planner, I look at it, and I'm still not getting all of it done.
3. Get more active. Whether it's getting up and walking around the room about every hour.
4. Eat less junk, more veggies. No one needs a dessert with every meal especially not when you're gaining weight doing it.  One dessert a day (for now).

Uhm.... I think that's all. I think those all are good goals. I saw a super teeny girl walking today, and it just reminded me that I used to be almost teeny. I used to be in the lower-middle end of a healthy weight. I used to have B cup boobs (I think they had just become B when I started gaining again). I used to hate the thought of being one of those people who let themselves get as big as I have.
I gained two more pounds. 205. It's going up, not down. It's causing me so much anxiety. I just need to stop eating so much junk or eating when I'm alone. I should save eating for in front of people, and never complain that I missed any meals. There are days where I get done with class at four thirty and all I want to do is eat because I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, and J.P. is like "We should eat when I get off at six." So I wait even longer, even though by then I feel sick.
Remember when I could survive on barely nothing every day? Now I feel like death when I don't eat lunch or breakfast. I feel like I could faint for not eating until six. I don't get the spots in front of my eyes anymore, but my hair falls out. Even though to society I'm healthy. I'm not healthy. I'm a whale, and it's sickening. I hate it. I hate being so big.
I wanna change yesterday.

I want to fit into a size five again. Or even a three. I want to be able to wear small women's shirts, not extra large men's. I want to feel like I'm even somewhat pretty some times. I want my disorder to take my body and make me tiny again, make me one of those girls you look at and whisper about how small, what size do you think she wears, ect. I want it so bad I thought about purging on the way to my Spanish class. In a public bathroom. I've never purged in my life, considered it one of my few virtues, but at that moment it was so hard to talk myself into walking into that classroom and not that bathroom. I think the only thing that stopped me was the other girls I could hear in the bathroom.
I want to be skinny so bad it hurts.
Kay-Thanks for the encouragement! I'm nervous because one of the girls that I'm going to be living with is already having problems with her roommates. It doesn't seem like it's her fault, but that could just be because we're friends and not living together yet. The other person (besides my girlfriend) is a dude that we only met this semester, and it's barely a month into the semester, so that makes me kind of iffy. The four of us get a long great, but so did my friend and her current roommates before they became roommates. Then again, they owed her money, and when she tried to talk to them about it, they said "Fire drill" and literally ran away from her.
Love,
Alex.

Apartment Looking

First off, I don't know if I can trust my scale. It gave me three numbers, each one lower than the first. I quit when it said 198.4ish and 197.8. That's kinda a big difference from the 203 it gave me to start with. I don't think I'm eating as much, but I don't think that it's enough. I don't think it's ever enough. I just want to stop.

My girlfriend and I are looking at moving to an apartment with our friends E and S next year already. Leases are signed in the November area. I don't know if I really want three people who are around to watch my weight raise and drop or my mood raise and fall and break. But at the same time, I'm excited. Because we'll get our own bathroom. It's excited. And we get along great.
I dropped one of my classes. I was just getting so far behind and overwhelmed and freaked out. I hated it. I feel better now. Well, still a little anxious all the time but better. I'm coping better with it.
Just a small update.
Love,
Alex

I'm Thinking of Dropping a Class

It won't put me behind, creditwise. I'll still be a sophomore this spring. It just won't put me ahead like I would like. However, I missed it twice this week and feel like I'm never really going to catch up. Also, I forgot my camera at home and I need it this weekend for this class.

I'm gonna talk to J.P. about it. She's really good at these kind of things. I mean, eventually I will have to take this class, but right now I am a wreck. I have two classes that I have to get at least a C in this semester. And my medication needs to be worked with a little better, but I don't know who to talk to about that. 

I feel like I'm just not capable of doing anything right at this point. I feel constantly tired and constantly like I'm going to start bawling.

Bella- See, everyone here's advice is "Just keep going to class and try to find time to get to help services." With my currently schedule, they're seriously closed by time I could get to them or I'm asleep. I know I could just wake up earlier for the appointment, but currently it's so hard to get out of bed even for class.

I want to get my first tattoo, but I don't got enough money. I want a series of them done on my back of just things that I love somehow interacting with each other. 

Noon Class Cancelled

J.P. has a really bad cold. My noon class was cancelled, so I only have class at one and two (to 4:30). Put my lunch into my MyFitnessPal. Disappointed, but not shocked. My lunch, by itself, is over 900 calories. Luckily, it's actually like my first meal of today.
It's the first thing I've eaten today.
Gotta actually get to all of my classes today. I can't get into this habit of missing them.

Sometimes, I just kind of break. I forget that I have stuff that I actually have to do. Then I freak out about it.
Or I'm freaking out about something else and don't go to class, but really kind of needed to.
Alright, gottat get ready for class.
Love,
Alex

Anxietyyy

I couldn't bare going to my last class today. I need to quit skipping my classes, but I felt like I was gonna puke. I've been around too many people for too long. I just need some time apart and for myself. I need to settle a little better.
I need to eat, but I'm waiting for my lovely girlfriend. I'm just a ball of anxiety, but I don't want to be. I don't even know what happened. I'm just anxious and tired. I don't know what to do with myself. My heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest and like I'm going to puke. And I feel like I'm going to start bawling. I just feel like a wreck.
And I feel terrible for skipping class because I feel slightly relieved that I chose not to go.
I also wish that I had like you know an "ana buddy" or whatever. Just someone who gets it. Someone who knows about the anxiety of life. Someone who gets the anxiety of deciding whether or not to be safe and healthy or to be unhealthy and thin. Someone who gets the anxiety of change. Someone my age, though. I don't know.
I just want someone to talk to that isn't going to tell me the obvious (that I should go the healthy route) or is a therapist.
I'm gonna go browse forums, lovelies.
Love,
Alex
P.S. I love tattoos and piercings. I just wish I was thinner so they looked better.

College

I have not forgotten you, lovelies! I promise.
So, I don't think that my meds are working like they should. Or I'm working around them.
I skip lunch so often. And usually breakfast. I know, you're not supposed to skip breakfast. I went over 200 pounds a couple three four days ago. Superrr pissed with myself. Back down to 199 somehow. I've been trying to raise my self-esteem by saying, out loud, that I'm so cute, the cutest, ect. However, I just had my first speech of the semester recorded and I know. I know I look like hell. I've been trying to do nice things for myself too. I've painted my nails.
Nothing's working, though. So, I keep thinking of things I can cut from my diet. Which could end in...everything.
I have a friend; she much smaller than me, much taller, but still fat. She eats salads. Smothered in cheese and ranch. And I totally sit there and silently judge her. Some times I put a teeny bit on cheese on my salad. And I never smother it with dressing. I drizzle it. Hers end up looking like a mound of ranch and cheese. It bothers me. She bothers me.

I'm sorry that I just ranted about someone else's salad. It's just most people eat salad to, oh I don't know, lose weight. The way she eats them you might as well have three ice cream sandwiches. Oh, and she has dessert with every meal. I do too, but I really need to break myself of it.
I gotta go or I'll be late to class. Talk to you guys soon.
Love,
Alex

I Get to go back to school tomorrow.

I know, I've already made one super long post today, but I'm super lonely.
I'm so excited about it. There's so many things that are different from high school to college. Like I have a class that's only two days long and one is on a Saturday. Also, the fact that it's weird to go from eight to three straight through in college is so nice. I hated going eight to three in high school. Classes in high school were usually boring. Guys, I only have two classes on Friday and I don't start until eleven or noon. It kind of sucks that I go until 4:30 everyday except Fridays. BTW, don't stalk me just because I showed you all my schedule. That's just plain rude and creepy.
And I applied for a job on campus earlier today. Hopefully I'll at least get an interview, but it's for the University Board (which basically plans and executes all the fun stuff we do on campus) so I'm thinking the fact that I'm a freshman might exclude me from it. It let me apply ok with saying I'm a freshman, but that doesn't mean anything.
I'm super excited about my GPA going up. It means that I'm actually eligible to participate in formal rush this September without any real worry. Usually I'm a really good student, but I feel like I kind of flopped last semester.
It's really weird. I have a friend that credit wise is a junior this year, but she started last fall. J.P., one of our other friends, and I decided that you can't be anything but a freshman your first year at college. If you have taken dual-credit or a college class or two in high school, it's not nearly the same as taking the classes in college. So, since you know about as much about college as everyone who is a freshman creditwise, you're still a freshman. I'm still a freshman. Next semester I'll be a sophomore. It seems to be going by really super fast.
Also, the semesters are shorter than high school semesters, so it makes everything seem even quicker. There are fewer breaks, though. Fewer days off. Or at least they're not as spread out. I have a month off for my "winter break" and an entire week off for Thanksgiving. My high school kind of screwed us with Thanksgiving. We got that Thursday and Friday off. That's it.
I actually packed up some stuff earlier to get ready to leave. I just haven't had the motivation to get anything into my car yet.  So it's all this huge mess in my room. And I need to do laundry, but I have one brother that got home today and another that's leaving tomorrow and one washer/dryer.
Kay I think it's crazy that even a small change can cause us to lose control. It's not that I think being alone for two nights is small for me or that your fights are extremely stressful for you, but compared to an eating disorder they just seem...tiny. Like, you hear those stories about people who were bullied their entire childhood, so they start dieting in teenhood and then eventually fight an eating disorder. And then you have me going the only person who even slightly gets me is almost three hours away if you drive the speed limit. Then again, I'm preset to starve myself because I've dealt with it before.
 I thought I had quit having dreams like that ages ago. I haven't restricted in ages. The last one I had was really weird. All these cupcakes were floating around me, and then I was in the hospital for being severely underweight and all the problems that come with it. Then my mom woke me up and I still thought I was hooked up to all the IVs and stuff for about two seconds.
I eat way better when I'm at school. I had actually lost five pounds over the course of last semester because I was walking to class and had better food choices. It was pretty exciting. Over this summer, I was working with a doctor to try and get my mental medications right. All of them can cause weight gain. Luckily, this doctor recognized that I had the symptoms of being bi-polar and now I feel more stable because of my medications, so maybe I can work my butt off to lose the 25ish pounds that I gained over summer.
I'm going to a state school (I've got two older brothers and both my parents that went to school before I did, so I had to pick a cheap school) for graphic design. This will be my first semester actually taking any art classes. My older brother works for his school's marketing department, and the head of it is actually a graduate from where I'm going to school. My brother says that this guy has taught him more than any of his actual professors about graphic design, so I think I chose a good school for what I'm going into.
 And I know you didn't ask, but fun fact, my girlfriend is going to the same school (we're roommates. It works cause we've basically lived with each our entire lives) for accounting. She started off going as a Special education major, and realized over spring break (we started last semester) that she can't teach and she shouldn't try to force it.
Huge reply.
Alright, I think I have everything out of my system. Thank you, guys.
Love,
Alex

One more day.

I get to make the trek back up to school tomorrow. I'm so excited. After I get there, J.P. says that we can get a fish! Then Wednesday, I get to have training on how to help people move in. Then I get to help freshmen move in. It's so exciting. I'm so ready to just be there.
I slept terribly. And then I woke up about the time my little brother should've been going to school. Then I woke up again. Then my mom woke me up when she went to work. I just did not sleep very well.
I'm ready to be back at school, and back in a semi-routine. And I have a thing with being weirded out by my planner being mostly empty.
I'm also applying for jobs on campus. I sent in one just now for the University Board. I don't think that I'll get it, but if I do the ideal position would be their graphic design/advertisement.
Oh! and because I did a summer class this summer and got a B in it, my GPA went way up. It was 2.69 and it went up to 2.75. I feel like that's a huge leap! I'm gonna do way better this semester than I did last semester. I'm gonna try to go every single class. I'm not a bad student. I was just really tired that semester, and I had a bad gallbladder that tried to become other organs.

So today, I have zero motivation to leave my room. So I haven't eaten much. Way less than I have in a long while. Of course now that I've mentioned it, I'm absolutely starved. I can ignore it, though. Or else I'll eat all of the waffles. I have this terrible tendency to put peanut butter and syrup on them. That's probably part of the reason I'm so over weight.
Last night, I had a really weird dream. In it, I stepped on the scale. It read like 240. Then I stepped on it again. 270. It was crazy. It was so bad that it woke me up. I'm so scared of getting any bigger. I'm so scared about it. It's just terrible.

Alright, beautifuls, I think this post will be super long if I don't stop now.
Love,
Alex.

Alone

Dropped J.P. off at school today. I know that I get to go in a couple days, but I still feel so empty. I had planned to crash when I got home. We woke up at seven to make sure that she was on time. We ended up leaving an hour earlier than planned originally.
Our room is awesome! We basically have two rooms conjoined by a door. They feel bigger than our room last semester. I can't wait to actually get things situated, and actually make it feel like it's ours.
I'm excited to start school. Or at least to get back to school. All of my friends, literally, are there. I have zero friends from high school. I hated high school. Everything was so dramatic in high school. I think part of that was because of toxic friends and toxic thinking.

I dyed my hair again. It didn't bleach correctly. Most of it was still really dark or orange. I dyed it a turquoise color. I was super sure that it wasn't going to come out right. It didn't, but it still looks ok. Well, it looks fried right now. I'm conditioning it. And hiding it in a cute beanie. A black knit one. Hopefully by Tuesday it'll look a little better. My friend 5.8 saw my hair. She had guessed that I was dying it purple. She said it looked really good.
I feel like I look like complete crap. I'm like basically 200 pounds (even though I hold onto that 197,198, 199).  I eat like everything, and don't seem to exercise at all. I just wish I could get back into the groove of things. Fall back into my patterns. Fall back into bothering to exercising and counting calories. I just want to scream. It won't do jack shit. I'm angry with myself. How did I ever let myself gain so much weight? How did I get this way? Why me? I only see flaws.

Alright, I'm gonna end this post here, so that you guys don't have to hear me completely break down and think about how blubbery I am and how worthless I am and how I've completely lost control of my body and how gross that all is.
Have a lovely day.
Love,
Alex
 P.S. Did you guys know that any change in the norm can cause someone with an eating disorder to start having various disordered behaviors? I don't remember where I read that, but isn't that crazy? We don't wake up one day and actually quit eating. Something happens, and then we quit eating or start binging or start binging and purging. That's nuts. But not really. And it doesn't even have to be something huge.

Feeling A Little Better

I ate more than I should have. However, I went on a walk. It wasn't a long walk because for whatever reason the back of my ankle hurt really bad. So, it was about twenty-two minutes long.
However, I got a nice two hour nap in today.
My headache hasn't gotten any better, though.
I'm around 200 pounds. The scale says 198 or 199 every time. I hate it. It makes me want to scream. I hate this. I was over twenty pounds lighter back in May. I was 175. All of this makes me want to scream for hours until my throat quits.
Today, after I showered, my hair looked really dry. It didn't feel dry, so I didn't think that it did. My girlfriend said that it looks really dry.  It's gross. I hate having gross looking hair.
I know I've said this before, I wanted to be a model. Now I've changed that to a photographer. Because I'll always be too big to be a model. Or too old.
Guys, I had over two thousand calories today. I really need to quit. I need to quit just putting things in my mouth.
What about ABC? Not for the full time. The first 25 days, maybe. Obviously with lots of water. As a jump start. Not as a forever kind of thing. I don't know if I want get better or worse, you know? If I get worse, I lose weight. If I don't get worse, I risk weighing even more than I do now. It seems to be obvious until you realize I either die from it or have to struggle to recover, maybe making friends in group, and then accidentally relapse making my girlfriend hate me and leave me even though we know that we work well together.
Bella- thanks for all of the suggestions. Several months ago, from January to May, I was eating far better than I have in years. I haven't starved myself for a period of time since my Sophomore year. I take a multivitamin every day. It's a "women's multivitamin". I started taking it about a month ago because my iron levels were low. I don't know if that would do anything or not.
It's not about price that keeps my mom from getting vegetables. Most of the people in the house don't like them. We actually have a very nice garden at her church where they only ask a donation if you think you could afford it where we could get fresh vegetables.
I wish that it wouldn't fall out, though. It's not enough that I have spots where you can tell luckily.
Also, it's nice to meet you too. It's a really nice. People can read it, but they don't have to. But it's off of your chest. Having people reply, though, is really nice and it feels validating.

Kay- Thank you! I agree. I think that it's comforting because complete strangers can't tell people that you know. Your secrets may not be safe, completely. They might tell their friends or family. But...they can't tell your family and friends.

I haven't been as good as I should

I'm still eating enough to maintain or even gain weight and it's scary and saddening. Every time I see my weight on the scale, I want to cry. I know that it's my choices. I know it's every little choice. I know that I'm a whale and I hate that. I know everything the doctor told me a few weeks back about losing weight (count every calorie, work out, go running/walking). I know all of it!
And yet I can't seem to actually do it. I can't seem to put it all into motion. Everyone's all "if you quit drinking soda, you'll lose weight." Wow! That's such a great tip! If, you know, I drank a lot of soda. I have a diet soda here and there, but not every day. And I still don't really trust regular soda.
It's just so hard. We have almost zero vegetables in the house. What we have in fruit is what my girlfriend and I have bought or had Mom buy.
What's worse is I'm eating like a pig and my hair is falling out. I never had my hair fall out when I was showing off all of my disorder eating habits. My hair is falling out, some times in small clumps, some times just one or two, but I worry so badly.
Gotta go.
LOVE,
Alex

Getting a much needed break!

My girlfriend called her daddy and asked him if we could stay the night over there. We lied, told my mom that they needed us to babysit. It ended up that we were actually needed to housesit. It's so relaxing to get to not have to do anything.
My head has been pounding since we got here, though. Like really badly. It's nice to be back on here, though, guys. It's nice to have a place to pour everything into.
Sorry this post is so super short, but I have to go.
We might be running to Wal-Mart here in a little bit for a birthday present for my girlfriend's little sister.
Love,
Alex

Goood Morning!

I have higher hopes for today. I'm gonna start counting calories again. I've had this cute little book for exactly that for ages and when I can't have that on me I have three little ones in my purse and an app for that. So, this morning I've decided to stay in my room all by room for a little while to recharge. I'm an introvert, usually, so all this interaction for what seems like 24/7 is just tearing on me. I woke up depressed from it. I had told myself that I was going to do a post before I went downstairs, and even getting up and grabbing my laptop was super hard. So now I'm listening to 3O3! and remembering a couple years ago. It hurts, but at the same time it's nice to go back.
I'm looking at the archive of my blog. Four years of my life. I've been dealing with this for four years. I hope that you guys, at least, see a difference in the girl who started this and the girl who keeps posting. I'm sure they're similar. I have a problem growing up apparently.
I'm listening to Piece of Me by Brittany Spears. I saw that I mentioned it in one of my older posts, and wondered if I still liked it. It's pretty solid.
It's been over an hour since I got up, but I don't want to leave my room still. I'm just... It's crazy here right now. And I need to eat breakfast, but I have a terror of a time finding food.
Also, I just realized how much I swear in my posts. It's like every other one. I don't cuss in real life, so maybe I'm just using it as an escape here.
Alright, gotta go.
Love,
Alex

I kind of thought that you guys needed a longer post

And I saw that I have a comment on my coming back post. I'll start with replying to that so I don't forget.
Kay- I really hope that I don't disappoint. It's good that you're trying to recover. I don't know that I want to recover or if I just want to give into my thoughts. However, I won't find it insulting if you find my blog too triggering and decide to leave.
Alright, so that's it.  That's my terrible excuse of a reply. Hopefully the rest will be at the bottom.
So, I went to get my depo shot yesterday. Of course they weighed me. Of course they said it out loud. 198. I am a hundred and ninety-eight pounds. That's terrible. I used to be one hundred and thirty pounds. That's over sixty pounds.I hate this body. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I need to exercise. With how crazy everything has been, I haven't. I know, shame shame shame on me. I need to get up early and go for a run. Just me and my music. I don't actually think that I will be able to though. I hate getting out of bed. Everything is so stressful. I'm irritated. I'm on edge. I just need some control. Or my meds needed upped, ha. No.
My meds make me gain weight, but I can't quit taking them.  So I have to keep trying to lose weight. And fail. So I need to more than I'm doing. It's so frustrating! Anyone wanna give a girl any tips on how to start out again? If not, that's cool. I'm sure I can find it out on my own. Like tracking the snot out of my calories.

Hello Lovelies!

It's been a crazy little bit. My grandparents house caught on fire. It's completely gone. However,  everyone is fine. My grandma runs her own business, and her office and important documents were all saved (her office is right next to her house). So right now, they're living with my family. It's been really stressful especially when I forget my meds. When I do that I get really moody. Worse than when I wasn't on it. I've been stress eating. Isn't that crazy? Me, stress eating?! I don't stress eat. I stop eating when I'm stressed.
When I start counting, though, I always stay real low. Like half of what I need to. Which I know is nothing compared to what some of you do. It just proves that I need to count. When I was younger it came so easily.
Alright, gotta go.
Love,
Alex

Weight Motherfuckin Gain

I'm on mood stabilizers. They cause weight gain. I gained seven pounds in a week and a half. Which if I was in a healthier mind set, it would all be ok. But I don't have a healthier mind set. I have the mind set, some times, of someone with an eating disorder. At 197.4 pounds, it's getting so much worse. You have to cut 500 calories daily from your diet to lose one pound a week in a considerably healthy manner. I cut 1000. That's two pounds a week. Still healthy, supposedly. By time I go to school this way, I could lose twelve pounds. That would be 181. It's not fast enough. Three pounds a week would be eighteen. That would be 179. As a lady at 5'5.75", I should be closer 130. That's sixty pounds. I am sixty pounds overweight. Two years ago, I was 128. Who cares how I got there? I was at a healthy weight. And going down. My body was a size five, headed to a three.
I hate my body so much. However, I have to pretend how much I love my body. Isn't that how it always is?
I'm gonna catch up on you guys' blogs.
Lots of love,
Alex
PS, I'm trying to grow my hair out. It's getting almost to my shoulders. From a pixie. It was an awesome look, but I want longer hair.