Alone

Dropped J.P. off at school today. I know that I get to go in a couple days, but I still feel so empty. I had planned to crash when I got home. We woke up at seven to make sure that she was on time. We ended up leaving an hour earlier than planned originally.
Our room is awesome! We basically have two rooms conjoined by a door. They feel bigger than our room last semester. I can't wait to actually get things situated, and actually make it feel like it's ours.
I'm excited to start school. Or at least to get back to school. All of my friends, literally, are there. I have zero friends from high school. I hated high school. Everything was so dramatic in high school. I think part of that was because of toxic friends and toxic thinking.

I dyed my hair again. It didn't bleach correctly. Most of it was still really dark or orange. I dyed it a turquoise color. I was super sure that it wasn't going to come out right. It didn't, but it still looks ok. Well, it looks fried right now. I'm conditioning it. And hiding it in a cute beanie. A black knit one. Hopefully by Tuesday it'll look a little better. My friend 5.8 saw my hair. She had guessed that I was dying it purple. She said it looked really good.
I feel like I look like complete crap. I'm like basically 200 pounds (even though I hold onto that 197,198, 199).  I eat like everything, and don't seem to exercise at all. I just wish I could get back into the groove of things. Fall back into my patterns. Fall back into bothering to exercising and counting calories. I just want to scream. It won't do jack shit. I'm angry with myself. How did I ever let myself gain so much weight? How did I get this way? Why me? I only see flaws.

Alright, I'm gonna end this post here, so that you guys don't have to hear me completely break down and think about how blubbery I am and how worthless I am and how I've completely lost control of my body and how gross that all is.
Have a lovely day.
Love,
Alex
 P.S. Did you guys know that any change in the norm can cause someone with an eating disorder to start having various disordered behaviors? I don't remember where I read that, but isn't that crazy? We don't wake up one day and actually quit eating. Something happens, and then we quit eating or start binging or start binging and purging. That's nuts. But not really. And it doesn't even have to be something huge.