I haven't forgotten that I'm still blogging!

I know I've not posted in a little while, but I promise that I didn't forget you!

I've been super busy. I went home yesterday for the first time since I've gotten back to school. I joined was technically an RSO, but it's called a service sorority. Unlike the social ones, we don't have large drinking parties. We go out and make the community a better place (not that I don't think social ones do too, but that's basically our main goal). So between that, hanging out with friends, homework, and sleep I've been really busy. I do think about posting every day, though. I just need to find time when J.P. isn't here.
So, I've made some mental goals, and they need written down. Ready? There's only a few.
1. Start drinking at least 8 cups of water every day again. Also, add one cup for every cup of coffee.
2. Get more organized, so that I quit forgetting to do some of my homework. I don't know how I'm going to do that, though. I have a planner, I look at it, and I'm still not getting all of it done.
3. Get more active. Whether it's getting up and walking around the room about every hour.
4. Eat less junk, more veggies. No one needs a dessert with every meal especially not when you're gaining weight doing it.  One dessert a day (for now).

Uhm.... I think that's all. I think those all are good goals. I saw a super teeny girl walking today, and it just reminded me that I used to be almost teeny. I used to be in the lower-middle end of a healthy weight. I used to have B cup boobs (I think they had just become B when I started gaining again). I used to hate the thought of being one of those people who let themselves get as big as I have.
I gained two more pounds. 205. It's going up, not down. It's causing me so much anxiety. I just need to stop eating so much junk or eating when I'm alone. I should save eating for in front of people, and never complain that I missed any meals. There are days where I get done with class at four thirty and all I want to do is eat because I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, and J.P. is like "We should eat when I get off at six." So I wait even longer, even though by then I feel sick.
Remember when I could survive on barely nothing every day? Now I feel like death when I don't eat lunch or breakfast. I feel like I could faint for not eating until six. I don't get the spots in front of my eyes anymore, but my hair falls out. Even though to society I'm healthy. I'm not healthy. I'm a whale, and it's sickening. I hate it. I hate being so big.
I wanna change yesterday.

I want to fit into a size five again. Or even a three. I want to be able to wear small women's shirts, not extra large men's. I want to feel like I'm even somewhat pretty some times. I want my disorder to take my body and make me tiny again, make me one of those girls you look at and whisper about how small, what size do you think she wears, ect. I want it so bad I thought about purging on the way to my Spanish class. In a public bathroom. I've never purged in my life, considered it one of my few virtues, but at that moment it was so hard to talk myself into walking into that classroom and not that bathroom. I think the only thing that stopped me was the other girls I could hear in the bathroom.
I want to be skinny so bad it hurts.
Kay-Thanks for the encouragement! I'm nervous because one of the girls that I'm going to be living with is already having problems with her roommates. It doesn't seem like it's her fault, but that could just be because we're friends and not living together yet. The other person (besides my girlfriend) is a dude that we only met this semester, and it's barely a month into the semester, so that makes me kind of iffy. The four of us get a long great, but so did my friend and her current roommates before they became roommates. Then again, they owed her money, and when she tried to talk to them about it, they said "Fire drill" and literally ran away from her.
Love,
Alex.