I've been thinking about slipping up.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's because I'm over 200 pounds? Maybe it's because my BMI is 32.8. Remember when I was 128 with a BMI of 20.7? Or even when I was a couple pounds heavier at 130 with a BMI of 21.0?
It's finals week, and I'm breaking. I want nothing but to be thin again. I don't want meds that make me gain 30 pounds over the summer. I don't want the mushy brain that likes a mushy body. I want tattoos and piercings and barely acceptable weights and to work out and like myself after and to be tiny and cold again.
I keep telling myself that if I do in a healthy manner I'll actually get to enjoy it. But it's not happening. I'm sitting here getting pudgier. I'm getting fatter. I'm not losing weight. I'm gaining gaining gaining. I'm pitiful and it sucks.
I want  to be thin again. I was to have a BMI in the 20's again. I want one that's 20.7. I want to be teeny. I want wear size three jeans and smalls and not worry. I want to not go to a doctor's office and feel like they blame all my illnesses on being fat. I wanna be skinny. I want to be thin. I want to be tiny. I want to feel bones. I want to look like I did my sophomore year of high school. I want to be cute again. I want to feel sexy in sexy underwear.