But more importantly, Alex is feeling...Well, alone. I want a boyfriend/girlfriend. I want that feeling of being loved that I pushed away because I was scared all he was thinking about was my body (which I hated and still hate). I just wanna be loved, you know? I feel like if I do this, all the way through, people will realize I'm strong and beautiful. They'll fall to my feet, begging for me to go out with them. I know it's not gonna happen, but it motivates.
Good news? I stayed under 700. Day One, done. Tomorrow, six hundred.
So, I told my therapist that I quit cutting. Only, I don't want to. It's more like a safety net now. I don't do it to deal with anything. I do it when I want to. I do it to see the blood, to remind myself that I'm alive.
Today, I wrote on myself. My mom hurt me, slightly, by saying she was glad it was "semi-washable" and asked why I wrote on myself, but it sounded like she was sad. I used to do it all the time. It makes my pale skin look paler.
Rachael, as a reply to your lovely comment, I hope I make it out alright! Also, I want you to know you, yes, YOU are the reason I want to be stronger. You make me want to be a better me. Both your blogs make me feel like I have the world in the palm of my hand and it dances to my song. Even when you're weak, hurting, scared, and feeling like crap. When you text me, I get excited because it's like hearing from an older sister who I was really close to.
EVERYONE should go show Miss Rachael some love.
Uhm... I have two chapters of "To Kill A Mockingbird" to read tonight and a shower to take. Only, I don't want to. Oh, and I have to fit in some exercise. Need to quit it with the excuses. Only, I wanna write more than I wanna exercise. No, no, I need to exercise or I'll still end up a fat pig.
I'm cold...
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