Red-Heads

When I see J.P. I want to rush up to her, take her books and walk her to her next class.
I want to be her girlfriend.
It's a weird feeling.
I hate her.
Yet...red hair makes me think of her.
Then I think about how beautiful she looks.
I love red hair.
Right now, I'm looking for thinspo of red-heads.
I love long hair too.
I'm thinking of growing mine out.
I dyed my hair red one time. At the time, I was thinking that I would copy J.P....only prettier.
Now I realize I'm one ugly motherfucker.
But that will be fixed.
Weight will be lost.
Oh, my dad almost made me laugh.
"500 calories....that's a meal. If you're anorexic."
I looked at him and replied, "If you're anorexic, that's a day."
So I guess if you only eat a meal a day, he's right.
Right now, I can't get her out of my head, that devil with red hair.
Right now, I'm wondering "Did she do this too?" and "Did her jaw drop when she saw someone beautiful?" "Was she consumed with envy when she saw someone thinner?"
I don't know why.
I can't help but think that I was the fat friend.
When I lost weight, she got rid of me.
Got another fat friend.
I'm having Anna ask her if I was the fat friend.
It's bothering me for some reason.
Bothering me that I don't know why we fell apart.
She was my thinspo.
My living, breathing thinspo.
She's done this since at least sixth grade, since we were 11/12 years old.
Maybe I just want a reason other than myself to hate myself.
The more that I talk about her, the more that she's carved into my mind.