Let's face reality.

Let's face it for a little bit.
I've gained weight. A least five pounds.
The hunger I once enjoyed, I kill with food as soon as I realize it's there.
The reality?
I can't quit telling myself that J.P. would still be with me if I wasn't so...fat. If I wasn't so ugly. If I could just perfect my desire to be empty, I would purify my inside and be who she desired. I would still be able to feel those lips on mine without hearing that ringing in my head. "I never said I loved you." "I never felt like that about you." "I miss him." "You're just an anchor for everyone who cares about you." "Do the world a favor and kill yourself." Heck, I'd be able to go through the day without hearing that.
J.P. and I quit a more than week long arguement last night. Today, I wanted her to come over because I was lonely, I wanted someone to hold, I didn't want the bed to be empty in the morning and it just be me.
Last night, I danced for hours and enjoyed it. But at the end...I felt so alone. J.P. didn't even say hi to me when she stole the attention of the person I was talking to. At the end, before my mom got me, I started crying. Sure I had danced with people who made me feel like I belonged, but at the end I didn't matter.
I had thought my mood swings were caused by not having eaten enough. I don't care anymore. I wanna get to that point were I quit caring about feeling. Starting tomorrow, I'm chasing that hunger. Today, I'm too fat and full. Tomorrow, I will not slip up. I will eat small amounts of low calorie foods. I will exercise more. I will, I will, I will be 114 before school starts.
Ultimately, I will be that skinny gal who even J.P. is jealous of. I will look so delicate and yet hold a viscious glare on my face for those who have hurt me. I will eat very little.