Talked with my sis today.

Over skype. It was cool. I could hear her and see it. But it hurt. Made me wish she had been here when the whole J.R. crap was going on. So I could have had someone to actually talk to. But she wasn't here, doesn't know, and so...I don't talk about it. Don't tell her that if I get near that...thing that everyone else swears is a person, all of my muscles tighten, my breathing shallows, and my heart races...as though I am terrified. Don't mention that I /hate/ how he gets to life happily ever after...and I still have all of these problems. And I most definately don't cry when talking to her. Crying about this is pointless. I need to move on... but I can't. Fear has me frozen. Has me eating, starving, throwing in J.P.'s face that yes, part of this is her fault, and then taking it part, saying none of it is, it's all his. Because what should you fear more than the person who made you believe the world would be better off if you were dead? For me, it's being alone while I'm fearing that.