I'm avoiding this place like it's the plague because maybe, to me at least, it is. BUT that's not the reason for this post. One of my friends told me that another one of my friends was cutting. Do I poison the minds of people I meet?! When I asked, she admitted it, but told me she quit. I asked her why, made this huge deal of it and went so far as telling her that if she just told me because, I would feel insulted. One of my other friends wants me to quit, and for that reason I want to quit cutting, but it's one of those things that I do when I feel I have no control, when I'm powerless to control anything but how much pain I put myself through. I know that even if I try not to cut when I feel like that, I'll do something else, something more self destructive. Maybe I would go back to how I was this summer. Starving instead of cutting. Really, it's a tough choice. I'm not proud anything I do, but... it felt like a safety net. It's a bad reason, I know, but that's what it was. Cutting, making myself bleed, tossing food out the window, grinning at hunger pains, it was a need to feel like I could be something more than I am.
I don't think I could explain it to anyone who hasn't been through that need to feel like you have some control in your life. Cutting is like...my scream in a silent world. A scream in a world where silence is expected and anything but is punished. My cutting is that silent scream that says something is breaking, something is not right. My cutting is a scream that challenges the silence, but can't beat it. `The scars that dance on my legs are the screams of me, giving in to the pressure both parents put on my, the healing cut on my wrist is that final defiance of a selfish child, trying not to share their favorite thing. Hidden scars, healed up finally, on my feet scream of childish longing to be a happy family. All of them have some hint of loneliness that I was...am trying to push away. Each time I look at the scars I feel a sense of failure. I did this to me, no one forced to pick that up, I did it. I'm still wondering how to cover up the scars on my thighs during PE next semester.
Okay, okay, I'll get my sorry butt to bed now.
i hear you babygirl. i cut for the same reason. i've done it for almost 6 years years&now it just seems like a habit. i tried to quit a few times but the only thing that really helped me was to replace it. so i replaced it with controlling my weight. i don't know if it's any healthier than cutting but i see it as improvement. i hope you cheer up soon.
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zette