I'm so weak... Can't say no to that food for ONE day... Tomorrow, I have to actually eat something because of my therapy appointment. Good thing is I did better today! :) Yesterday I probably had a normal amount and today I had about 800 calories. Makes me a happy little fattie. Also found out that food makes me feel sick. Lovely! I thinkss... I'll quit eating lunch at school. They rarely have anything worth it at my school anyway. And I won't have a snack when I get home. I'll probably have supper, though...a Salad? If it doesn't upset my stomach? Tell them I had a peanut butter sandwich before Mom got home? Yeah, I'm typing and thinking... Honestly, it's just that everything's seemed...bad this week. The amount of caffiene I have has gone up, I'm back to cutting... Even though everything is actually ok.
I just dont know...
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Broken...
I feel completely broken. I don't know what's with me. Parts of the day, I'll be happy and perfectly fine and other parts...are like now. I wanna hurt myself so bad and I will. I feel so guilty, even though it might not even be my fault. But I still wanna be perfect for Mommy and Daddy so them showing how upset they are upsets me more and... well... I gave up on trying to quit cutting tonight. Figured you guys should know.
Thank you, Lottie and Rachael, for your lovely comments. Both of you put "Stay strong" on them. I know you mean by eating little and sticking to my diets and all that, but when I read those two little words... I read them as "Don't die", "Don't become suicidal and if you are, don't follow through with your thoughts", and "keep living". So, it means a lot to me that it's there.
Also, WHERE ARE ALL THESE FOLLOWERS COMING FROM!? I love them, of course, but I have 13 of them!? Holy CRAP! That's, like, thirteen people who think my life is worth keeping tabs on. That's sweet.
Okay, I've been inspired by all those websites where you can go and posts "secrets" or whatever, so I'm taking my blog Dreamless Sketch and putting my own "secrets" on there. Even though I should probably delete the other posts on there, I got some AMAZING comments that I still go back and read, so I'm not going to. I'm actually pretty scared/excited, haha.
I wrote in this journal I keep and it started out with me being so angry at my mom and cussing and just full blown ticked off mode..and then I fell and felt like no matter how I looked at it, it was my fault. "Cutting is self-punishment for existing and everything else I do wrong." That's all I could think of by time I got done. I know it hurts you guys when I hurt myself and come on here and tell you (or, I pretend it does) and there are days where I imagine cutting for months and then breaking down at L.G.'s feet, showing her the cuts and scars, telling her how bad I always feel...Everything, because she would understand unlike my ex-boyfriend who never lets anything hurt him. I imagined recently telling S.C. next concert we were both at. Would she then hate me? Take back the friendship she was so quick to give? Another reason I'm so happy I don't have to see her everyday. Seriously, Saturday was the first time we hung out and she was so hyper and I was so happy and it all just felt...Normal. That's how I'll remember her, as a person.
Alright, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm hopping off for tonight. Tomorrow, I'm gonna try again for liquids. Sorry about messing up today (yeah, I'm mainly saying that to myself). Be safe, stay strong, and we'll make it through another day, alright?
Thank you, Lottie and Rachael, for your lovely comments. Both of you put "Stay strong" on them. I know you mean by eating little and sticking to my diets and all that, but when I read those two little words... I read them as "Don't die", "Don't become suicidal and if you are, don't follow through with your thoughts", and "keep living". So, it means a lot to me that it's there.
Also, WHERE ARE ALL THESE FOLLOWERS COMING FROM!? I love them, of course, but I have 13 of them!? Holy CRAP! That's, like, thirteen people who think my life is worth keeping tabs on. That's sweet.
Okay, I've been inspired by all those websites where you can go and posts "secrets" or whatever, so I'm taking my blog Dreamless Sketch and putting my own "secrets" on there. Even though I should probably delete the other posts on there, I got some AMAZING comments that I still go back and read, so I'm not going to. I'm actually pretty scared/excited, haha.
I wrote in this journal I keep and it started out with me being so angry at my mom and cussing and just full blown ticked off mode..and then I fell and felt like no matter how I looked at it, it was my fault. "Cutting is self-punishment for existing and everything else I do wrong." That's all I could think of by time I got done. I know it hurts you guys when I hurt myself and come on here and tell you (or, I pretend it does) and there are days where I imagine cutting for months and then breaking down at L.G.'s feet, showing her the cuts and scars, telling her how bad I always feel...Everything, because she would understand unlike my ex-boyfriend who never lets anything hurt him. I imagined recently telling S.C. next concert we were both at. Would she then hate me? Take back the friendship she was so quick to give? Another reason I'm so happy I don't have to see her everyday. Seriously, Saturday was the first time we hung out and she was so hyper and I was so happy and it all just felt...Normal. That's how I'll remember her, as a person.
Alright, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm hopping off for tonight. Tomorrow, I'm gonna try again for liquids. Sorry about messing up today (yeah, I'm mainly saying that to myself). Be safe, stay strong, and we'll make it through another day, alright?
Fat Brat
I ate a lot today. I swore over and over I wouldn't go over 300 if I did. I told myself over and over. What do I do? Candy, rootbeer float, grilled cheese, fat fat fat. UGH!!!
Tomorrow, I'll do WAY better. I'll quit being a fatty.
So, today I tried talking to my ex-bf about why I'm so insecure. Idiot told me to just ignore the people who were saying those things. I TRY! I can't!! My world was DESTROYED by the messages he sent me and I'm now TERRIFIED of him!! Why does no one understand that?
Huff, huff, I'll try to calm down now. You guys don't need the bad, so how about some good? Like this chick, S.C. told me I was AMAZING. This chick, I guess we're friends. We started talking, like seriously talking, Saturday and for some reason we clicked and she gave me a group of people to hang out with while we were at the concert for a few of the local bands (I'm the little sister of the singer for one of them and she's the bassist in another). It felt cool because we're from "rival" towns and she's the first friend I've had that's in the grade above me. Also, we're almost exactly a year apart in age. Thinking about all of this makes me happy.
This video is cute, even if I can't understand them. These dudes are adorable.
See, I listen to happy, dancey music because I wanna be happy. :) It's a good plan half the time.
I'm gonna get off and take a shower.
Tomorrow, I'll do WAY better. I'll quit being a fatty.
So, today I tried talking to my ex-bf about why I'm so insecure. Idiot told me to just ignore the people who were saying those things. I TRY! I can't!! My world was DESTROYED by the messages he sent me and I'm now TERRIFIED of him!! Why does no one understand that?
Huff, huff, I'll try to calm down now. You guys don't need the bad, so how about some good? Like this chick, S.C. told me I was AMAZING. This chick, I guess we're friends. We started talking, like seriously talking, Saturday and for some reason we clicked and she gave me a group of people to hang out with while we were at the concert for a few of the local bands (I'm the little sister of the singer for one of them and she's the bassist in another). It felt cool because we're from "rival" towns and she's the first friend I've had that's in the grade above me. Also, we're almost exactly a year apart in age. Thinking about all of this makes me happy.
This video is cute, even if I can't understand them. These dudes are adorable.
See, I listen to happy, dancey music because I wanna be happy. :) It's a good plan half the time.
I'm gonna get off and take a shower.
Post 5892635 for tonight
Ok, I fail. I made a cut on my wrist and covered it up with rubberbands. Yet I feel way happier than I did before. Fail, fail, fail. Even saying that, I don't feel it. I feel fine with it. I feel like it doesn't really matter if I hurt myself or not even though I know you guys care. I just...am numb about hurting myself. I don't feel like people care even if I know they do.
Anyone wanna tell me they do? Try to make it seem real? Not even with my parents did it seem like they did. Sure, my mom asked, but she did it soo much and in such a way that it just got annoying.
So, I dun know how I feel about it tonight. Usually, I would beat myself up, mentally, over it. Tonight...nothing. I'm calmed and even made happy by it. I know this is a medium deep cut for my (may even be a not-so deep one), but I kinda wanna go deeper. See how it feels. But it's not a crazy need now, so I can ignore it and go BEDDY-BYE! :)
Anyone wanna tell me they do? Try to make it seem real? Not even with my parents did it seem like they did. Sure, my mom asked, but she did it soo much and in such a way that it just got annoying.
So, I dun know how I feel about it tonight. Usually, I would beat myself up, mentally, over it. Tonight...nothing. I'm calmed and even made happy by it. I know this is a medium deep cut for my (may even be a not-so deep one), but I kinda wanna go deeper. See how it feels. But it's not a crazy need now, so I can ignore it and go BEDDY-BYE! :)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Little Miss
I'll Get Tough,
don't you worry about me anymore.
-some more song in between-
Little Miss Hide Your Scars,
Little Miss Who You Are
is so much more than you like to talk about.
Those are my favorite parts of that song because I relate so darn much to it. I know, I said I was going to bed, but I haven't been up even twelve hours yet and my mind is all over. There are lyrics on my computer's tower thing now (the title and the parts in bold). Those lyrics are on my hand. There may be lyrics all the way up my arm before I go to school tomorrow. I just don't want to cut. Like, there's that hopeless desire to do it because I feel like I should, but I don't want to, also. I don't want to hurt myself again. I'm doing so well right now.
All of this thinking reminded me of how nervous I was when my older brother came home from college. The last time we had talked, I told him I had been cutting since beginning of May, end of April. Then he came home and I thought for sure he would say something about it to me. Nothing. Not a word. We barely spoke except for when he first got there. Heck, my mom's even quit asking about it. Maybe I'm better at lying than I thought I was. Maybe tonight I could get away with it. I'm wearing long sleeves tomorrow... But what about PE? This chick named Kelly might be keeping an eye on me because I know she used to cut and she thinks I'm done cutting. I don't even tell L.G. (I'll update my people part later) that I still think about cutting for hours if I'm given time. I do, too. Cutting will consume me for hours if I don't give myself something to think about. It's a dangerous addiction and once you give into it becomes one of few ways you can think of to cope.
One cut on these fat wrists? Just one tiny one?
don't you worry about me anymore.
-some more song in between-
Little Miss Hide Your Scars,
Little Miss Who You Are
is so much more than you like to talk about.
Those are my favorite parts of that song because I relate so darn much to it. I know, I said I was going to bed, but I haven't been up even twelve hours yet and my mind is all over. There are lyrics on my computer's tower thing now (the title and the parts in bold). Those lyrics are on my hand. There may be lyrics all the way up my arm before I go to school tomorrow. I just don't want to cut. Like, there's that hopeless desire to do it because I feel like I should, but I don't want to, also. I don't want to hurt myself again. I'm doing so well right now.
All of this thinking reminded me of how nervous I was when my older brother came home from college. The last time we had talked, I told him I had been cutting since beginning of May, end of April. Then he came home and I thought for sure he would say something about it to me. Nothing. Not a word. We barely spoke except for when he first got there. Heck, my mom's even quit asking about it. Maybe I'm better at lying than I thought I was. Maybe tonight I could get away with it. I'm wearing long sleeves tomorrow... But what about PE? This chick named Kelly might be keeping an eye on me because I know she used to cut and she thinks I'm done cutting. I don't even tell L.G. (I'll update my people part later) that I still think about cutting for hours if I'm given time. I do, too. Cutting will consume me for hours if I don't give myself something to think about. It's a dangerous addiction and once you give into it becomes one of few ways you can think of to cope.
One cut on these fat wrists? Just one tiny one?
I am unworthy of you 12 followers.
I keep disappearing and I'm pretty sure I'm as fat as I was during the summer. time to crack down, eh? Yeah, I've been thinking about those messages from last October from J.R. that always, always make me realize I'm an ugly little brat on the inside and the outside. Maybe if I change the outside, shrink her down, the inside will become better too? Maybe. Doubt it. Tomorrow, even though it's Monday and, seriously, I probably shouldn't go with only liquids on Mondays, I'm gonna. Swear it to you and myself and this time I just cannot let my pride be hurt again.
Did I tell you guys that I've gone vegetarian? Yep, had a daydream-nightmare-thing and now I can't even think about eating meat without remembering it. It was this dragon thing biting my throat out. And I mentally link that to eating meat...go figure.
I thought I was getting better, I really honestly did. And then I started wearing rubber bands around my wrist and kept snapping them over and over, enjoying the pain. And this weekend, since I slept 12 hour each day, woke up starved and didn't want to do a thing about it. I think outside of a meal, I only ate once and only had two meals.
Mentally, I've been cussing more. None of it's come out of my mouth, though. I'll think things like "That chick's such a bitch. Wait, did I really think that?" or "Wow, I'm such a fatass who needs to get off her fat ass and MOVE!!" See? Lots of mental cussing. I'll try to not post it on here, though, because I honestly feel that it'll make my blog less appealing. I honestly think I'm back in a downward spiral and that's why I'm mentally cussing and mentally NEEDING to feel that pain of the rubber bands and the pains of being hungry. Honestly, if I lived alone, I think I wouldn't be eating at all until I broke down and totally binged and then, well, then I think I would go against one of my mental rules and purge. Luckily, I don't live alone and these walls are thin.
Now, I'm getting caught up on you guys' blogs. And right now I'm reading Miss Rachael's blog. 135.4!? Seriously!? I REALLY need to get my fat butt moving!! I'm such a fatty! I remember when I was almost that weight! I was so proud! And now I get to be proud of you and mad at me.
And I've also been thinking about secrets I keep close to me. I wanted to post one on six billion secrets, but I'm too scared to even do it there. I wanted to say something about how I got messages over facebook from someone I thought was a friend that destroyed my already fragile world and that I'm left alone now to rebuild it. I wanted to say "Daddy, how could I NOT hate my body, want to starve myself when for about five years you told me that I was too fat, needed to skip a meal, or to puke up a meal? How can you not see that every time you tell me I'm going to go puke, I have a mental battle?" I've never purged, but I've come close. I've wanted to. Because I'm a broken child who wants her mentally fucked up daddy to love her and to show that he cares. I want to be able to hug my daddy without being at all scared that he's gonna hit my back hard enough for it to hurt. Another thing I want you guys to know is that in the past, I wanted to attempt suicide. Not so I'd die, but so I would land in the hospital. I wanted to know how many people honestly cared enough to come see me or to leave flowers. Gosh, this whole, like, paragraph had me crying. Though I guess that's better than slicing myself open which I don't think I've done for four or five weeks, though I might be wrong because I still have a diamond shaped scar on my thigh that looks kinda new.
Really, I need to get off, but I don't wanna. I wanna think of more secrets I can tell you guys because you pretend (at least) to care. I feel like I can say whatever and either I get no comments or I get positive comments. Sorry for making my dad sound really bad. He has a personality disorder, which I don't really know what it means, but it apparently explains the way he acts. I really do love my dad which I sometimes wish I didn't because I think it would hurt less. Heck, I love both my parents and I don't wanna disappoint them and I feel like I need to be perfect for them and I never will be. Please don't think badly of them, because I don't.
Haha, found out the hard way that reading about people cutting makes me want to. I haven't done it yet, but it's hitting me harder than hunger EVER has. It's like, BEGGING me to go get my razors and rip into my almost healed skin. Gosh, this is insane. I don't really know how to describe this HUGE desire to just get my current razors- no, new sharper, less awkward razors- and cut. Or take these dull scissors I have and use them to cut open my wrists, considering they leave less of a noticeable marking. Deep breath, calm down, no cutting. Not tonight. Tonight, I am free. Tonight, I WILL NOT give myself chains that weigh me down. And soon, I'm gonna go to bed. Tomorrow, I'll skip breakfast, lunch, and find a way to get rid of dinner. I'll get on here and happily tell you guys that other than coke zero, water, and flavored water (and maybe an energy drink) that I'm empty. Then, I'll either kill time or go to bed. The next day might be the same way. Because I'm sick of living "normally" this sounds as pleasing as it sounds unpleasing. Already my stomach hurts from tomorrow's pains. And yet, I already feel excited to start fresh tomorrow and not eat. Tomorrow is Monday, an all liquids' day, a day for clarity and hunger. And yet another day of wishing my hipbones stood out more and that my tummy was flatter.
I'm gonna go to bed now that I've given you a SUPER long post.
Did I tell you guys that I've gone vegetarian? Yep, had a daydream-nightmare-thing and now I can't even think about eating meat without remembering it. It was this dragon thing biting my throat out. And I mentally link that to eating meat...go figure.
I thought I was getting better, I really honestly did. And then I started wearing rubber bands around my wrist and kept snapping them over and over, enjoying the pain. And this weekend, since I slept 12 hour each day, woke up starved and didn't want to do a thing about it. I think outside of a meal, I only ate once and only had two meals.
Mentally, I've been cussing more. None of it's come out of my mouth, though. I'll think things like "That chick's such a bitch. Wait, did I really think that?" or "Wow, I'm such a fatass who needs to get off her fat ass and MOVE!!" See? Lots of mental cussing. I'll try to not post it on here, though, because I honestly feel that it'll make my blog less appealing. I honestly think I'm back in a downward spiral and that's why I'm mentally cussing and mentally NEEDING to feel that pain of the rubber bands and the pains of being hungry. Honestly, if I lived alone, I think I wouldn't be eating at all until I broke down and totally binged and then, well, then I think I would go against one of my mental rules and purge. Luckily, I don't live alone and these walls are thin.
Now, I'm getting caught up on you guys' blogs. And right now I'm reading Miss Rachael's blog. 135.4!? Seriously!? I REALLY need to get my fat butt moving!! I'm such a fatty! I remember when I was almost that weight! I was so proud! And now I get to be proud of you and mad at me.
And I've also been thinking about secrets I keep close to me. I wanted to post one on six billion secrets, but I'm too scared to even do it there. I wanted to say something about how I got messages over facebook from someone I thought was a friend that destroyed my already fragile world and that I'm left alone now to rebuild it. I wanted to say "Daddy, how could I NOT hate my body, want to starve myself when for about five years you told me that I was too fat, needed to skip a meal, or to puke up a meal? How can you not see that every time you tell me I'm going to go puke, I have a mental battle?" I've never purged, but I've come close. I've wanted to. Because I'm a broken child who wants her mentally fucked up daddy to love her and to show that he cares. I want to be able to hug my daddy without being at all scared that he's gonna hit my back hard enough for it to hurt. Another thing I want you guys to know is that in the past, I wanted to attempt suicide. Not so I'd die, but so I would land in the hospital. I wanted to know how many people honestly cared enough to come see me or to leave flowers. Gosh, this whole, like, paragraph had me crying. Though I guess that's better than slicing myself open which I don't think I've done for four or five weeks, though I might be wrong because I still have a diamond shaped scar on my thigh that looks kinda new.
Really, I need to get off, but I don't wanna. I wanna think of more secrets I can tell you guys because you pretend (at least) to care. I feel like I can say whatever and either I get no comments or I get positive comments. Sorry for making my dad sound really bad. He has a personality disorder, which I don't really know what it means, but it apparently explains the way he acts. I really do love my dad which I sometimes wish I didn't because I think it would hurt less. Heck, I love both my parents and I don't wanna disappoint them and I feel like I need to be perfect for them and I never will be. Please don't think badly of them, because I don't.
Haha, found out the hard way that reading about people cutting makes me want to. I haven't done it yet, but it's hitting me harder than hunger EVER has. It's like, BEGGING me to go get my razors and rip into my almost healed skin. Gosh, this is insane. I don't really know how to describe this HUGE desire to just get my current razors- no, new sharper, less awkward razors- and cut. Or take these dull scissors I have and use them to cut open my wrists, considering they leave less of a noticeable marking. Deep breath, calm down, no cutting. Not tonight. Tonight, I am free. Tonight, I WILL NOT give myself chains that weigh me down. And soon, I'm gonna go to bed. Tomorrow, I'll skip breakfast, lunch, and find a way to get rid of dinner. I'll get on here and happily tell you guys that other than coke zero, water, and flavored water (and maybe an energy drink) that I'm empty. Then, I'll either kill time or go to bed. The next day might be the same way. Because I'm sick of living "normally" this sounds as pleasing as it sounds unpleasing. Already my stomach hurts from tomorrow's pains. And yet, I already feel excited to start fresh tomorrow and not eat. Tomorrow is Monday, an all liquids' day, a day for clarity and hunger. And yet another day of wishing my hipbones stood out more and that my tummy was flatter.
I'm gonna go to bed now that I've given you a SUPER long post.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Learning to Survive
Sorry about being missing. And Woohooo! I now have 11 people who care about the happenings in my life. Wish this post would be happier, then.
Today it hit me. Maybe it was the rain or the fact that it's the weekend but no matter how strong I say I am, J.P. is gonna make me feel like my heart has been torn out. The feelings I had for her for the monthish that we were dating still remain. I wanna hold her and just cry. Life isn't going right. We planned a future that wasn't gonna happen together. She says she felt disgusted with herself the whole time we were together, but she seemed happy. I miss her, wanna hold her, wanna cry and scream, but most of all I just wanna talk to her. Instead of doing any of that, I get to learn how to simply survive without her. I get to put my chin up and act like I don't care who she is because I'm me. But I still wanna hold her. Wanna know if she still wants to be a pastry chef. Wanna just lay next to her and tell her that she's beautiful. Because I've apparently become a sappy person.
Today it hit me. Maybe it was the rain or the fact that it's the weekend but no matter how strong I say I am, J.P. is gonna make me feel like my heart has been torn out. The feelings I had for her for the monthish that we were dating still remain. I wanna hold her and just cry. Life isn't going right. We planned a future that wasn't gonna happen together. She says she felt disgusted with herself the whole time we were together, but she seemed happy. I miss her, wanna hold her, wanna cry and scream, but most of all I just wanna talk to her. Instead of doing any of that, I get to learn how to simply survive without her. I get to put my chin up and act like I don't care who she is because I'm me. But I still wanna hold her. Wanna know if she still wants to be a pastry chef. Wanna just lay next to her and tell her that she's beautiful. Because I've apparently become a sappy person.
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