It's almost Christmas.

So, I'm fat, but I'm having almost all the symptoms that I had at my lowest weight. My vision doesn't go black and I'm not as crabby, but I'm freezing, lightheaded, can't think, get tired really easy, only want to sleep. I'm still around 165. I feel hungry (but I eat all the time).

Ok, so NERD MOMENT. I read the chapter of Naruto online(Spoiler ALERT) today where Neji dies. I would've cried if J.P. hadn't basically yelled at me to help her finish wrapping gifts. That was such a depressing death! It was really good, but it was so sad. Like, why couldn't it have been someone less cool?  And he was like "Because I've been called a genius" and it's like...I dunno, I died.

So, I told J.P. that it's less than six months until ASTL, so I'm starting a diet. I wanna look absolutely dashing in my Jolteon cosplay. I don't know how I'll ever be thin enough to think that I look great.

So,I see that I have new followers. Yes, I know you're there. I don't know who you are, sorry. If you comment, I'll love on you a whole bunch. Yes, yes I will. I will love you more than my penguin mugs that I drink loads of coffee from. That's a lot of love.

So...I don't know why this hit so hard, but today my older brother was wondering what's going to make him lose weight in the coming year. It was...triggering? I think. I'm not sure. I don't feel like I did when I was going through my clothes (depressed). I felt.. empowered? maybe? to not eat. It was weird. Not really a sensation I've had for a while. Oh! Yesterday I went into my second hysterical fit ever. J.P. eventually had to hold me to her to keep me from hurting either of us on accident. I don't even know why I reacted that way. Like, we had been fighting and I was acting like I had given up on everything (I was feeling very apathetic about life in general) and suddenly, I was bawling and she told me to lay down and calm down and trying to gently push me down onto my bed and I started out just pushing her away and then I started thrashing about, unable to breath through my nose because it was so full of snot (ewww). Finally, I just laid down and after she went to the bathroom and turned off the lights, I clung to her. All day today, I've been scared that she'd leave and just not come back (even though we were at her house). I don't know what was wrong. I swear, I wasn't using any kind of drug.