When I stepped on the scale, the numbers went lower and lower.
It's the most freeing thing.
It's also the most capturing.
When I was so set on not eating, I didn't care what people said.
The hatred was in my head.
It was all me.
...except with my parents.
Everything they said somehow affected me.
Other than that, though, everything was me.
Now, I have this meddling girlfriend who acts like she's cool with me not eating, but talks about the future and how great it's going to be.
She doesn't seem to get that just because I don't starve or cut nearly as much anymore doesn't mean those thoughts just went away.
I want a future.
I also want to not eat.
Or to eat very little, which I used to be great at.
Now I'm better at not eating until I get to lunch at school.
It feels mandatory to eat.
One day, I'm going to freak out.
One day, I'll get tired of seeing the numbers go down and then back up.
One day, I'll end up looking at J.P. and going "Do you not get it?!"
It's a fight.
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