I blog a lot.

And I've been eating a way too much. Calories, calories, calories. I wish I could go back. To before I cared. Sure, I was fat and unattractive, but I was happy. Now, I think I'll be happy when I hit a certain number. I tell myself "You'll quit this when you're at (insert weight)" but I know I won't be. But I want to see if I am. I tell I.M. about how I want to be that chick who ends up passing out at school (actually, I just told her I want to be the really thin chick). It's sick. Honestly, I'm a self-abuser when my own abuser is gone. Without J.P., I hurt myself. With her, she hurts me.

But don't tell anyone, alright?

I love my collarbone, I love how it hurts to do sit ups because my lower spine sticks out with I curl it. I wanna be thinner just to see how it feels when I'm smaller.

I'm pretty sure I'm pretty. I think I think that somedays. But I want to be hungry, want to be smaller. Because if I'm smaller, I.M. has to worry.

Yeah, I think like that. I want her to worry about me. Because she's thinking about me.

I'm so close to tears. I eat like a pig, want to be tiny so the person I love will think about me but I want to fall in love with someone else. I'm gettin so tired of this being one-sided. Hey, I.M. will you love me? No? Damn. I guess I'll move on with these tears in my eyes.

Goshhh.. I'm sorry, late night posts are always my most depressing.

I told I.M. thank you. That's all. What am I thankful? That she's made me believe in love, that she gave me hope, that I actually can smile at the fat thing I see in mirror, that I'm slowly quitting cutting, that I'm just...so happy.

I got my own laptop. It's adorable. I love it.

Uhhmmm.. I'm out of things to say. Wow. I guess I'll go pop my pilll andd go to bed. I dunno.

Some lyrics:

but you're the only thing that's on my mind so whats a boy to do?
Let me keep this short and sweet,
you're the prettiest thing that i ever did see

I love that part. Because it's EXACTLY how I feel.