That's actually pretty close to what it looks like now that we've washed and waxed it.

I've probably eaten nearly 1600 calories.
That's so freaking much.
I need to eat less.
How about 900?
800?
I need to lose weight quicker even though J.P. says that it doesn't matter how quickly I lose it.
It matters a lot.
I still need to exercise today still. For at least 30 minutes.
I'm building up to an hour.

OH Hi there!

I love this little lady's legs and arms.
J.P.'s told me I'm acting all upset.
I am upset.
Over all this weight I wanna lose.
I wanna be able to have thin legs and a tiny waist.
I ran around a lot yesterday.
Upstairs, downstairs, in place.
Carried boxed of J.P.'s older sister's stuff.
I've decided that my notebook can be for calories and writing. Yay~
On the website I'm using, my limit is 1209 only because that's the lowest they'll let me do.
I tried doing 1000.
I tried very hard.

Now! Off to the wiifit to exercise and then maybe I'll do something actually more productive.

Hungry...Writing

Back to counting almost every calorie.
I'm really upset with what I ate.
Over a thousand.
Easily.
And then kept eating.
Tomorrow...maybe I'll be only a little over 900?
I burned a lot.
Maybe they'll cancel out.
I got a little notebook that fits in the new purse I got.
So I can write any where.
At any time.
Anything.
It's great to be able to post again.
You guys cannot imagine how I've missed this.
Alright, I'm off to finish getting names for writing.
<3
Take care of your beautiful selves.

Going to Talk to My Therapist about Med Tuesday, Hopefully.

Wii says I'm 155 something.
Scale says 157/158..
I'm not sure which to believe.
I just need to stop eating.
It really should be that easy.
It really used to be that easy.
I've been living off of water and tea and coffee. That's about all I drink.
It's the food that's the problem.
You know what I think I need to do?
Try a vegan diet for a week.
And to exercise more.
Sure, I weight lift about twenty minutes five days a week, but it's not enough.
I'm still fat.
I've been so stressed out lately.
And I'm always tired.
And I really want to cut.
And I'm just getting sick of how life is.
I'm always freezing.
But everyone around is so, so lovely.
They all pretend I'm pretty and great.
Still, they stuff food down my throat and make me feel guilty for not eating.
They try to make me feel weird about exercising.
They hold me back from losing weight and being perfect.
I love J.P., but we don't exercise at her house.
Remember those days where I did SOME type of exercise every day, even if it wasn't much?
I do.
So after my choir concert today, I got onto the wii and exercised for thirty minutes.
I'm planning on running for thirty minutes later.
That'll be about 270 calories, maybe more.
I've eaten a lot more than that.
I really need to start counting calories again.
And I need to quit eating poptarts.
Seriously, close to or 200 calories PER poptart?
That's obscene!
I eat, probably, three or four per day at J.P.'s.
Because there's not really much else to eat.
Maybe I'll just start eating soup...
Also, I need to findd new blogs to read.
Alright, I'm gonna go snuzzle with J.P. because I just remembered how many of my sharp objects I keep in my room.
Toodless!!~

I'm gaining. I can feel it.

Today, I just feel like putting thinspo up.

I have calculated that I burn about 2386.294 calories. Just sitting there.

Breathing, functioning.

But unless I fast for most of the next twenty days, there's no way in all of the world that I am going to be 138 like I said to J.P. I wanted to be by the end of school.

And I have to eat next Tuesday.

We have testing and I don't want to feel like I'm the reason that the school seems like crap.

I mean, my school is crap, but I don't want to be the reason it shows up like that on a test.

J.P. says that if I'm not eating, I'm not exercising a bunch.

Not that she could stop me from walking around a whole bunch this weekend.

This weekend is the anime convention we're going to.

I'm excited, but not as much as I should be.

Last time I was thinner.

Last time, I weighed only 128.

Last time, I wasn't scared of how I looked.

Now, I don't even see my collar bones, the first things to present themselves when I was losing weight.

That's right, kiddies, I'm fat.

Too fat for any of my bones to appear.

Except, I have really bony arms and my shoulder blades stand out just slightly.

Probably because all we work in weightlifting in the morning is arms and shoulders.

I wore shorts today.

My legs are huge.

Except for my calves. They look itty bitty.

Especially when I flex the muscles in them.

They're really muscular apparently.

Feels great.

Alrighttt, I need to see if my mom will take me over to J.P.'s because she's having a rough day (and saidd we could go run the track together!!), and if she will I need to get ready.

And I'm going to weigh myself.

Have a lovely day/night/afternoon! :D

Went to Denny's today

Again.

That's probably why I'm fat.

I don't eat very little throughout the day and then we go to Denny's for supper and the lowest calorie thing on the menu should probably be the amount I eat ALL DAY.

I want to make this post really short because I want to start working out before J.P. gets back.

Because I NEED this.

I need my therapist to look at me and SEE my inner battle spread out on my body, revealed as my bones are.

I need people to not know, unless they're the right person.

But first, I wanna tell you about this fucking dick at school.

I wanna tell you about he made it seem like all J.P. and I do is try to have sex all the time.

I wanna tell you about how he decided to make very public comments to people who probably didn't even know J.P. and I were dating about my relationship.

I wanna tell you about how I should've ripped his nuts off right then.

And then went back to my table and enjoyed zero calorie goodness of unsweetened tea.

But I didn't.

It bothers me that he could act like that.

Anyway, I'm gonna go exercise. Strip down to shorts and a sports bra (if I can find one) and go nuts.

Freedom?

Yeah, pretty much.

I found out why I liked my antidepressants

I get super grumpy when I eat little/don't eat.

With the antidepressants, they forced me to pretend I was ok.

It was beautiful.

No one but me got hurt.

No one but me knew.

I was always so happy.

It was beautiful and lovely.

I doubt anyone here would understand.

I could starve like I knew what the hell I was doing.

I could feel hungry and just sigh and think "Could be hungrier."

Now I get hungry and thing "EAT!! EVERYTHING!!" and then "No...I can't, must be thin."

It's horrifying.

I hate it.

I wanna be thin.