I am up way too early.

It's almost five, meaning I've been up for almost half an hour. I have done some web surfing, logged into facebook, made a post here, got myself some yogurt, and am thinking about getting off my lazy butt and getting a diet mountain dew.... But LM.C is too...catchy. I dun wanna stop listening.

So... Not much has happened. I just wanted to complain that I woke up so early. It was only five hours of sleep. I'm gonna see if snuggling up with three blankies helps me go back to sleep. Or maybe I'll get off my lazy butt and actually exercise. I don't honestly know what to do. Haha.

I have that crazy almost need like feeling

To text I.M. and say "Hello, beautiful. I love you. Goodnight." She's beautiful, even if she doesn't see it. I love her more than anything. And I really need to be asleep.

I'm really worried about Anna. Her family's freezer went out and all their meat was in there. It was a lot of meat. By time we found it, the only way to describe the smell was "It smells like death." (I said that). They don't exactly have money. So I'm worried. Worried that now she'll be going hungry more offten. It makes me feel selfish for starving myself. I'm so selfish.

But I told a friend of mine I use calorie countting as a way to forget cutting. I think it's true. I also think I'm going to text I.M. exactly that.

"Hello beautiful. I love you. Goodnight."

We aren't together, but if she knows she's loved, well then, I've gone and done my job. But I don't know if she gets texts in Calorado... Oh well. If she does, she'll probably not reply anyway. She might be in bed.

Savanna: I've actually talked myself out of that and into putting "You're beautiful" and things like that. Also...I can't cook. Haha. It freaks me out to cook.

Soo... I told my friends...

That even if I get in trouble I'm going to put my cell phone number up as a place for people to text if they want someone to tell them life gets better. You guys know how fucked up I am. I'm bi, I have this thing with eating, I used to cut, I've got killer mood swings apparently, I draw on myself, uhhmmm.... I'm a mess.
My Anna told me that I could get into trouble.
I told her I didn't care if I even got suspended. But that's a lie, I'd care a lot. Because it's not a "call this for phone sex" type thing. It's a "Here, I'll help you" kinda thing. It'd be refreshing compared to all of the gossip and trash talk and ripping people apart and "I love so-and-so" type things. See, I wanna start something new. I wanna write stuff like "Stay Strong", "It gets better", "You're beautiful", and things like that in each of the stalls in the girl bathrooms...because I'm a girl and going into the boy restrooms would get my into a lot of trouble. Haha.

The more I think about it, though, the more the idea changes to writing "I'm bi and writing that in a public place makes me feel so happy." OH! That's another good one: "Never be scared of who YOU are."

On another note:

I'm not eating enough. I keep almost passing out. Or maybe it's just the shitty circulation I have. My feet turned blue while I was in the shower. I dun think that's supposed to happen.

I feel like writing, but have no clue what about. I love writing.

I love music too.

And these mints. They're each about 15 calories. Sadly, the whole bag is about 660 calories and I had half yesterday and almost the rest today. Fail. Then again, when you get ONE freaking meal a day...grumble grumble... Stupid Dad won't cook for us... I mean, I have no REAL problem with not eating more than one meal, about six pretzels, and drinking a lot of diet soda and coffee, but my little brother is also home. He doesn't have eating problems, but has some developement issues and so he doesn't think to make himself something even simple like a peanut butter sandwich. Soo... He's involuntarially starving.

I love the summer and the school year. During both I only REALLY have to eat on the weekends. But during school I have more to do. During the summer, though, I can do what I want, sleep as much I want. During school, I can be the strong one at the table and not eat lunch. It's a fifty-fifty thing. I win, I lose. I'm hungry.

I'm gaining hips. My size nine skinny jeans that used to fall off are now clinging to me like I'm some fat lard. Weighing time!~

One step forward and Two Steps Back

Sooo... I thought I.M. was right.
Now I'm scared I don't want her to be.
=/ Guess that's just how my messed up mind works.
Ok! Another nerd moment. Yeahh... Sorry
For those of you who know what anime/manga and cosplay is, I wanna say that I have not, ever, officially done a cosplay, but I love a good one.
I have so been deviantart stalking this page since...yesterday.
Yesterday night, actually, I got my friend into SasuNaru, but we won't go into that.
Uhm... I plan on writing some today. Hopefully it won't be poetry, but then again, I'm trying to fill up this notebook with poetry. Yeah.... I'm such a poet. Hahaha no.

Mainly it's about love and how much love sucks and hurts.

Speaking of love, I have been in love twice. My forever and current love, I.M., and I'm pretty sure I was in love with J.P. and that's why it hurt so much when she was dating J.R..

My hair is sooo silky. It hasn't been this way for ages.

The split ends need cut off though. SNIP~

I'm thinking about starting school with really short hair. I wanna keep my bangs, though, because I feel like my face is still fat. =/ I dunno.

More Nerd talk

I'm really nervous. In about 3 weeks, I'll be in X (not home), Illinois. I probably won't post the 12-14. I'll be nerding it up with I.M. and her friends. For that weekend I need to figure out a way to spike my hair. O.O Scary thought. Only semi-spike it, though.

Ok, enough nerd talk.

One of my friends and I talked about how her family freaked out when she put that she's bi on her myspace profile and that she cried for a week about it. It makes me feel lucky that my mom just makes comments like "I don't think God views that very favorably" because I don't care what her god likes. It's kinda really sad, though.

I found out that my ex is a d-bag.

Uhmm... :/

Comments:

Lottie: Don't look manga up online. You'll either be like "I just so wasted my time" or you'll fall in love with one. Trust me, I would know. I adore lazy days. I love just chilling out in my house for hours on end, just laying around...being lazy.

P.S. I think I.M.'s right. I think I'm getting "better" slowly.

Watching TV alone is so...lonely.

So, I'm pretty sure I've made it known that I'm a complete nerd. So, I was trying to watch the anime Loveless (squeee!!) and I got really bored with it. Maybe because I'm reading the manga, but the thought hit me of "This is really lonely." I'm used to watching Anime with my family, even if they mock it and hate it (my family is a little against homosexuals and, well, in Loveless the main characters ARE). Sooo...it was lonely. So I quit watching it. Today, I'm being nerdy and getting caught up with all my favorite mangas. Like...I spent two and a half hours last night getting caught up with the manga Naruto. It's gotten VERY dramatic! I nearly cried while reading it! Then again, it was the first manga I EVER read. It's special to me, just saying. I got it when I was...eight.

Hold on, I got this chapter of Kuroshitsuji to read and then I'll be ready to finish this post.

Dramatic gasp!! I so did NOT see that coming!

Ok, enough manga talk. I must have bored so many people. Sorry. If you're still reading, kudos to you.

I've had A cup of coffee today with no calorie sweetener and 30 calorie creamer. Very tasty. Very low calorie. I don't eat much until I have to these days. Probably killer on my metabolism.

Today, I feel very lazy. As you can see, I've done nothing expect read A LOT of manga and drink coffee. That's a lie. I've also checked my Facebook and talked to missy I.M. and listened to music.

Also, Marianas Trench (bandish) has a song called Perfect. It's a lovely song and I suggest listening to it. There's a part in it that says "I hate the way that I say I should stay
When I know that I don't give a fuck about it anyway
I shake hands and shoot smiles all around" And I have so felt that way before. Haha.

Also, this year is my sophomore year. It starts soon. I'm going to be one of those kids who gets home and DOES their homework. Except on Fridays. On Friday, it can wait. I'm gonna try for good grades. I need something more than a C.

Ugh. I don't wanna get up to get my coffee...but I really want some.

Okay, I'm gonna get up and get it...maybe..laziness.

Rachael: RACHAEL!! SQUEEE!!~ Okay, now that I'm done being a total creeper... I feel like an idiot because I try to push people I love away...and then I fall head over heels in love with people who don't love me and I hate it, so I quit trying to love them and then I'm with them physically and I fall more in love. :/ So I feel like an idiot more than half the time. And thanks, I hope it does work out.

P.S. I'm gonna go get my coffee now. =3

I love the song Numbers

by Pompeii. It's just.. I dunno, I'm not bulimic, but I feel I can relate.
"It's just a diet, I've kept it quiet and if you told my family and friend they would never believe it."
That's my family and most of my friends. And my problems seem to slip away when I don't eat. If I fast or go the most of the day without food and down coffee, I'm on cloud nine, all day. I can be the happiest person ever.

I saw I.M. yesterday and the day before. It was wonderful...except she paid more attention to the friend she had with her than to me. Yes, I got jealous, but didn't really act on it or say aanything. They're best friends, what is unexpected about me being ignored? Oh well. Loving her is hard. I'm stupidly surprised I haven't given up yet.

I wanna tell her that. But I'm scared. I'm scared to tell her anything. What if her other friends find out and think I'm a freak? What if she tells Anna? What if? What if? What if?!

I'm an idiot.

Comments:

Savanna: Oh my goodness, that was the worse part. I'm used to pain, I can take pain, but that sound is so nasty. Also, I believe this is the first comment I've read from you. Welcome to my lovely blog. <3

Kes: I love telling peopl I pierced my own ear already. Everyone just kinda winces