Goood Morning!

I have higher hopes for today. I'm gonna start counting calories again. I've had this cute little book for exactly that for ages and when I can't have that on me I have three little ones in my purse and an app for that. So, this morning I've decided to stay in my room all by room for a little while to recharge. I'm an introvert, usually, so all this interaction for what seems like 24/7 is just tearing on me. I woke up depressed from it. I had told myself that I was going to do a post before I went downstairs, and even getting up and grabbing my laptop was super hard. So now I'm listening to 3O3! and remembering a couple years ago. It hurts, but at the same time it's nice to go back.
I'm looking at the archive of my blog. Four years of my life. I've been dealing with this for four years. I hope that you guys, at least, see a difference in the girl who started this and the girl who keeps posting. I'm sure they're similar. I have a problem growing up apparently.
I'm listening to Piece of Me by Brittany Spears. I saw that I mentioned it in one of my older posts, and wondered if I still liked it. It's pretty solid.
It's been over an hour since I got up, but I don't want to leave my room still. I'm just... It's crazy here right now. And I need to eat breakfast, but I have a terror of a time finding food.
Also, I just realized how much I swear in my posts. It's like every other one. I don't cuss in real life, so maybe I'm just using it as an escape here.
Alright, gotta go.
Love,
Alex

I kind of thought that you guys needed a longer post

And I saw that I have a comment on my coming back post. I'll start with replying to that so I don't forget.
Kay- I really hope that I don't disappoint. It's good that you're trying to recover. I don't know that I want to recover or if I just want to give into my thoughts. However, I won't find it insulting if you find my blog too triggering and decide to leave.
Alright, so that's it.  That's my terrible excuse of a reply. Hopefully the rest will be at the bottom.
So, I went to get my depo shot yesterday. Of course they weighed me. Of course they said it out loud. 198. I am a hundred and ninety-eight pounds. That's terrible. I used to be one hundred and thirty pounds. That's over sixty pounds.I hate this body. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I need to exercise. With how crazy everything has been, I haven't. I know, shame shame shame on me. I need to get up early and go for a run. Just me and my music. I don't actually think that I will be able to though. I hate getting out of bed. Everything is so stressful. I'm irritated. I'm on edge. I just need some control. Or my meds needed upped, ha. No.
My meds make me gain weight, but I can't quit taking them.  So I have to keep trying to lose weight. And fail. So I need to more than I'm doing. It's so frustrating! Anyone wanna give a girl any tips on how to start out again? If not, that's cool. I'm sure I can find it out on my own. Like tracking the snot out of my calories.

Hello Lovelies!

It's been a crazy little bit. My grandparents house caught on fire. It's completely gone. However,  everyone is fine. My grandma runs her own business, and her office and important documents were all saved (her office is right next to her house). So right now, they're living with my family. It's been really stressful especially when I forget my meds. When I do that I get really moody. Worse than when I wasn't on it. I've been stress eating. Isn't that crazy? Me, stress eating?! I don't stress eat. I stop eating when I'm stressed.
When I start counting, though, I always stay real low. Like half of what I need to. Which I know is nothing compared to what some of you do. It just proves that I need to count. When I was younger it came so easily.
Alright, gotta go.
Love,
Alex

Weight Motherfuckin Gain

I'm on mood stabilizers. They cause weight gain. I gained seven pounds in a week and a half. Which if I was in a healthier mind set, it would all be ok. But I don't have a healthier mind set. I have the mind set, some times, of someone with an eating disorder. At 197.4 pounds, it's getting so much worse. You have to cut 500 calories daily from your diet to lose one pound a week in a considerably healthy manner. I cut 1000. That's two pounds a week. Still healthy, supposedly. By time I go to school this way, I could lose twelve pounds. That would be 181. It's not fast enough. Three pounds a week would be eighteen. That would be 179. As a lady at 5'5.75", I should be closer 130. That's sixty pounds. I am sixty pounds overweight. Two years ago, I was 128. Who cares how I got there? I was at a healthy weight. And going down. My body was a size five, headed to a three.
I hate my body so much. However, I have to pretend how much I love my body. Isn't that how it always is?
I'm gonna catch up on you guys' blogs.
Lots of love,
Alex
PS, I'm trying to grow my hair out. It's getting almost to my shoulders. From a pixie. It was an awesome look, but I want longer hair.

Sorry I haven't Posted Much.

If you're really interested in how I'm doing, you should follow my ed tumblr. It's got most thinspo, though. I'm mainly fine. Too fat, but I'm working on working on that.

I'm sorry I keep disappearing for long periods of time.

I don't feel like I'm worthy of my followers here.
Because I don't want to eat. I don't want to feel full. I don't want to not see my weight go down one day. I don't want my stomach to look huge because every time I eat I apparently get really bloated.
But I do eat.
I eat for my stupid girlfriend who refuses to eat if I don't and is smaller than I am anyway. I eat because I have a fricking stomach ulcer and everyone tells me I have to eat a plain diet, but I have to eat to get better. I eat because I want to give blood and not try to pass out afterwards.
So I eat and deal with the guilt in the shower or when I'm alone. "OH wow, nice flub. How many calories was that yesterday/just now/earlier? Too many, obviously."

When these thoughts started, I told myself that if I didn't eat or ate very little until I got down to where I felt good, they would stop and never come back. They never left. I'm cured, happy, and perfectly fine because I'm actually overweight (hoping part of it's muscles) and don't have failing organs. I'm cured, happy, and perfectly fine because I eat. I'm cured, happy, and perfectly fine because when I want to break down I don't. I'm cured, happy, and perfectly fine because when I do break down (and they're getting worse) I can usually eat afterwards. I've quit being able to do that, though. When I break down, I shake my head, begging J.P. not to make me eat anymore.
I hate feeling like this.
I just want to quit trying and stop eating like they expect me to.
I just want to restrict and fast and drink coffee on an empty stomach and enjoy the caffeine high.



Scarlett - that's exactly how I feel right now. I try really hard to be healthy, but at the same time I see myself doing different kinds of things to not restrict enough to be considered starving, but at the same time I'm not allowing myself to eat how I want. I wanna wake up next month and be itty bitty, but everyone says that it's so unhealthy to even consider that as a possibility.


LittleMissFairy - It's not really a consolation. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the way that I do about this.


ruby-tuesday - I do believe that you're right. Because even "healthy" people starve themselves sometimes. Like a senior my freshman year said that she wasn't going to eat for the next three days because she needed to fit into her prom dress.

Everyone says there's a healthy way to lose weight.

How?
Why can't I do that?
I'm either not eating, restricting, or gaining gaining gaining.
Everyone acts like it's so easy to follow, so easy to do.
How? How? How?
Also, what's all this harping to me about not eating?
Why can't I do something that makes me happy?
J.P. tells me that she'll help me lose weight.
That we'll exercise everyday.
Then we don't.
I really need to lose weight though.
I'm out of it, though.
I've forgotten the calories of a lot of things.
A medium apple is....seventy something, right?
No, that's a medium banana....
No...neither are seventy something...Gosh...
I need to get back in the swing of things.
Maybe I'll start ABC?
Or 24680.
I wanna be tiny for my senior year.
Itty bitty tiny.
I wanna be a zero.
I used to be a three.
They're not that far apart, right?
I still have homework to do.
I still have to workout.
I almost wanna say that working out is more important.
Cardio, though.
I do weightlifting five times a week(usually).
I need to burn the fat covering my muscle.
When I was fourteen, I was excited about learning how to drive.
But as my vision darkened more and more every time I stood up, I didn't expect to graduate from high school.
I still had plans for my future.
I want to be an author.
I wanted to be one then too.
I graduate in less than a year.
Still, I think I'm only physically better.
Psychologically, I  think I'm getting worse because I want to so so so bad but I don't want to have my girlfriend freak out at me. I don't want the look on her face.
The shame that I gave in.
I can't always be strong, though.