Coffee. I need some

I'm so fasting right now.
Need coffee to go with it.
And I'm so happy. My lower spine sticks out just barely. BUT IT'S THERE!
I just wanna not eat.
We're going to go dress shopping today. I'm so excited.
Homecoming is in two weeks from day.
We're are a little late going shopping, but whatever.
I can't wait for Mom to get home and just say "Let's go" and and I'm just so excited.
I'm so cold, but that doesn't mean I'll close my vent.
I wanna go for a walk, but I'm not sure where to go.
There's this guy who I think likes me, but may just wanna be friends.
I hate not knowing.
I'm going to be pretty, though, even if he doesn't wanna date me.
Wow, I don't know what to think anymore.
I'm so hungry.
But I CAN'T eat. Gotta be thin. Gotta be pretty. Gotta get through this fast.

She says she did it all to make me realize I don't love her

Wanna know what it did?
Made me give up on trying to be better.
She made me give up.
I was getting better for her.
Now, if she's going to randomly do that, I give up.
I'm going to not eat, going to carve words into my wrist, going to do what I want.
I hope she understands that.

I just wanna take pills, one right after another, see how long it takes for the pain to leave.

I.M.'s telling me to quit saying I love her, that it's not even love.
Sorry I trusted you.
No worries, you won't hear another complaint.
I'll pretend to be happy for you.
Forget I starve, forget that I cut, I'll be perfect.
Hey, angel, you see these wrists?
Of course not! My problems don't matter.
Hey, maybe I'll fast until you notice!
OH WAIT! I'd DIE before you noticed.
Or faint. And then I'd have to send you a text saying "Wow. Scary. I just fainted."
Not that you'd care. I would've complained about something else before then.
I'm sorry I'm just some depressed freak. Let me pretend to be happy for you..
Thank you for blaming me. It makes me feel great.
Where's that razor blade? Can't believe I ever said I'd quit for you.
Where's my lack of food? Can't believe I ever thought of quitting for you.
Where's trouble? Oh wait, that's apparently me.

I wish I could do this

Because I really want a break from life. I've felt like that for ages. I've felt the need to be anywhere but where I am for ages. Since I was 13. I'm a whole fifteen years old now. Since before I cut, I felt like I should be not here. I don't know where I'm supposed to be, but I know it's not here.
When I started this blog, I was so happy, so eager, so ready to finally be thinner and accepted. Wow. I've changed a lot. My old posts feel like they were written by someone else. Someone who freaked over 240 calories because they were supposed to be fasting and those calories happened to be solid food. I miss the thirteen-fourteen year old who wanted this so badly that she hated going over 500.
I miss when things were easy.
I miss not wanting to open up.
I miss the time before I.M. made me feel safe.
Oh! I have a picture that describes how I feel about her RIGHT NOW.
Why? Because I really needed her and because she was in a bad mood, she told me she was fine listening to my problems sometimes, but with me it's EVERYDAY. So I quit, I'm done. I'm not telling her anymore.




I'll do like Cassie does, keep calm and don't eat until you're in the hospital, away from everything.
That way the people around you can't hurt you by telling you you're a wreck, not worth their time.

Single Again

Because she was scared of being found out.
And because church makes me hate myself.
Makes me remember that bisexuality is a sin.
Make me remember that means I'm a sin.
So I'm talking to my friend about getting a boyfriend, who I can hold and love and snuggle with.
Been eating like a fat pig lately. Need to stop that if I'm getting even a cute boyfriend. Gotta be cute for him.
Gotta act like nothing's wrong for I.M. who therapied me better than my therapist until she got tired of hearing it.
There's a cut on my wrist that I thought "Here's to you" as it appeared.
I thought I went deep with it, but it didn't bleed much, sigh.
I don't bleed a lot when I cut anymore. It's...weird. It hurts though, which is just as good.
Uhmm I'm out of thing to say.

Writing.

I've been writing. A lot.
I've been writing about my girlfriend, her boyfriend, me, my jealousy, my hopes, the way I think our first kiss is going to be.
Yep, my girlfriend has a boyfriend. I shouldn't be jealous, because I pushed them together, told them they'd be great together. Yet here I am, waiting for her text, hopin that she's not talking to him (even though I know it's not possible if she's not awake), wishing that for more than a week, I was the only one.
This is our one week.
We've been together a whole week.
Technically longer if you don't count the fight and in-the-moment break up.
I don't even know why I pushed them together.
Now I get to deal with how she loves him more.
Wow.
Bummer.

Today I cut the word LOVE into my wrist.

How many times have I done this?
I do it every time I feel like I'll never be loved.
My girlfriend loves her boyfriend more than me, even though we've been going out longer.
I.M. doesn't wanna hear about my drama because she's sick.
So, I.M., I'm not sorry, but I wish you could see my wrist, see why I want to hate you.
Sometimes what you say hurts sooo much.

Today, I went to the doctor.
I had a painkiller shot into my hip.
Had blood taken.
Had to pee in a cup.
And they checked my heart.
Heart's healthy little organ.
A little more than slightly broken right now.


Lottie: I hope it's just something as simple as I don't eat enough.