We has a problem

So, when I looked in the mirror, at my body to see if my hipbones poked out just a wittle more, I saw that they don't. At all. They used to. Just a little, but they still did. I wanna start crying, but I have to get ready for the torture they call school. I hope everyone's day is so far better than mine.

Layin in bed, Half asleep

and I remember J.P. one time saying, "I was anorexic for a while, but that didn't work so I became bulimic." Even then I wanted to tell her they don't work like that. But what do I know? I don't have either. From what I understand is that with bulimia you binge which she never did. Ever. She just puked when she got stressed out and said it was her body's natural reaction. And from what I think I know about anorexia is it's harder to eat than it is not to. J.P. just didn't know how to eat healthy so there would be days she wanted to lose weight so she didn't eat.
For those of you wondering, there is no point to this post other than to say that anyone who doesn't have a problem shouldn't say they do and don't go out trying to get one. My life is a fuckin mess and depression lays really close to my surface anytime I pull myself away from people and I would NEVER wish this on anyone else (except J.R. but that ho is the only trigger for cutting and not eating I have and with more reason than I'm not his GF and so I'm depressed) because I realize how bad it is. It hurts, I'm cold and I feel sick. Yeah, maybe I'm a hypocrite because I enjoy all those things half the time, but it's not something I hope anyone else has to deal with. Yeah, I support those DEAD SET on this, but I also have loads of support for those who aren't.
I'm done ranting. Sorry that one memory made me flip out soo much.

Fat todayy

Ugghh, seriously. For a "normal" person it wouldn't be bad. But we've seen "normal" have we not? How ugly they appear next to skinny beauties. I don't even wanna talk about it now...
I got vanilla almond milk which isn't the best for calories. It's better than normal milk, though. 90 instead of, like, 110. The unsweetened one was 35, though... This one has a cool nutty after taste and I'm falling in love with it.
A scale, I really want one. So I can mental party when it says 129. I need to use my wiifit everyday so that I'll be burning at least 100 calories everyday from exercise (PE fails at that). I also need to do my homework. I need less fattening foods. Also, I need to quit eating lunch at school.
Lottie, you're nominating me for a blog award?! That's so neatt! It's my first one. That's cool!
Alright, gonna go do my homework. So I can not fail my science test that I have tomorrow. Also I'm getting tired and feeling sick. Again with the sickiness!
Ok, goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.

I feel like crap, and yet so happy with myself.

I'm a mess, yet I'm happier being a mess than being "fixed". I'm happy consuming 380 calories like I did today. I'm happy slicing open my left wrist (though I like cutting open my right one more). I'm just perfectly fine with not eating lunch at school. I'm happy with this hungry that's nawing on my insides. I don't think I was honestly this happy when I was "okay".
I really, really, really wanna find out what I weigh. I wanna know if it's worth it (always is) today. I wanna know if I've been good enough to lose any weight.
But I need to do my homework. And get some REAL sleep tonight. And try to be "sane" (or appear it).
Alright, I'm gonna go do my homework.
Foods/drinks:
NOS: 110
Bread stick: 90(times two, though, because I was fat and told myself that they weren't THAT big)
Another energy drink: 10 per serving (two servings in the can, though)

LATER: frick. I just devoured about 200 calories of crap. I feel like I'm gonna puke. Blehhh. I should work it off and, if I wasn't a lazy ho, I would. Instead, I'm gonna go to bed and pretend it didn't happen and try to be a good girl tomorrow. fatfatfatfatfat. How will I be in the 120s anytime soon if I keep giving into impulses like this?! I'm just sooo mad at myself right now!! And I keep almost puking and I wish I just WOULD so that I won't have to feel so bad even though I'm a fat, weak, lazy brat who expects things to fall into her lap!! I'm fricking ticked off with myself. It's not good. But it is bedtime and I'm soooo tired. There are bags under my eyes from soo much lack of sleep. I need a good night's rest. So I'm gonna take it tonight.

It's great when life fucks the people we don't like

Soooo...~ J.P. and L.S. are fighting over J.R. Isn't that cutee~? How two buddies get into a fight over a dude with a vomit-worthy personality who made me wish I was anything but alive? I most def would not fight for that and I'm more than slightly masochistic!
So, today, so far, I've had probably 40 calories of cereal, 10 from the milk it soaked up, and will be having 20 from an energy drink. It's weird to feel sick when I think about food.
I had a therapist appointment where I vented for a little while. She seems scared that I've lost too much weight. She's also nervous about the 4 cuts on my wrist. Thinking I don't cope well. That was true, maybe it still is, but I like it. It means I'm alive.
Also, thanks, Lottie. I honestly hope I will be in the 120s soon! It's almost warm enough to go swimming today. TODAY!! It's so nice out!
ZETTE!! Imissedyou.Iwassoworriedandthoughttheworst,but you're ok! Thank goodness you're ok! I will start stalking you again! YAY!
k, I'm done. My FINAL calorie count will be posted later! :) Tooodless.

138.9

That's what the wii says I am. I freaking believe it too, I'm a fattie. Remember when I was 136ish? Sure, my vision was going black half the time, but I freakin loved it. Though it's sad that my lowest weight is in the 130s.
My goal for from now to summer? Get to 120s. Then I will allow myself to go, in a bikini, to the pool and flaunt in front of my ex-boyfriend. Sure, I dumped him but since I'm a bitch, I like him to realize how great I am and that we'll never get back together. Why? Because I won't allow myself to go back for seconds. I really need to quit this cussing before it slips at school one day and everyone makes a scene.
I really hope I quit making 3 posts a day...It's because I feel at home here. I can say whatever I wanna and whoever cares can go screw themselves. Repeatedly.
Also, why has Madam Zette not posted????? I BE GOOBERTASTICALLY WORRIED ABOUT YOU, WOMAN! Honest. Really worried. Really really super worried. Even though this is my first time saying so. :(
Ok, now beddie bye time. I'm not getting enouugh sleep. It's midnight and I'm getting up around 6:50 AM to. get ready for school. Luckily I don't feel dead until geometry. Goodnight/morning/afternoon, I'm going to bedd.

I think this is beautiful! Probably because I've recently gotten so sappy.

Boys, just do it!
----Tell her you think shes cool.
Tell her why you think shes so cool.
Smell her hair.
Talk to her in movie theatres.
Pick her up and pretend youre going to throw her in the river; she'll scream and fight you but secretly, she'll love it.
Hold her hand and skip.
Hold her hand and run.
Just hold her hand.
Pick flowers from other people's gardens and give them to her.
Tell her she looks pretty.
Let her pay for stuff if she wants to.
Introduce her to your friends as The coolest girl I know.
Sit in the park and talk to her.
Take her to the library, and playgrounds, and train stations.
Tell her dirty jokes.
Tell her stupid jokes.
Write poems about her.
Just walk around with her.
Throw pebbles at her window at night.
When she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her.
Take her to shows of bands shes never heard of.
Hold her hand in the mosh pit.
Let her fall asleep in your arms.
Call her.
Call her back if she calls you.
Sing to her, no matter how bad you are.
Carve your names into a tree.
Get her mad, then kiss her.
Give her piggy-back rides.
Go see her band play even if they really suck, and tell her they were great.
Give her space if she needs it.
Push her on swings.
Stay up with her all night when shes sick.
Make up pet names for her, but cool ones, not sappy ones.
Teach her guitar. Lend her your cds.
Write on her.
Make her mixtapes.
Write her letters.
If she asks you to go to a show with her, go, even if it means a 5 hour train trip.
Take her to cool shops, and let her take you to even cooler ones.
Listen to all the bands she mentions.
Dont tell her that her favorite bands suck.
When shes sad, hang out with her or stay on the phone with her, even if shes not saying anything.
Buy her ice cream.
Let her take all the photos of you she wants.
Look into her eyes.
Slow dance with her, even if the music is fast.
Kiss her in the rain.
When you fall in love with her, tell her. <3