It's late and I am not alright.

Sorry for the lack of thinspo on this one, princesses. I'm typing this from my phone.
It's two thirty in the morning and I'm slipping.
I want to feel my hip bones, my spine, my rib cage.
Do you want to know something disgusting?
I weight almost 200 pounds.
I'm only 5'5".
What happened to dreams of being 114?
What happened to me?
I feel like I fail at everything right now.
I want to feel the carve of my bones jutting out. I want people to ask what I do to look so good. I just want to lose a little weight. A lottle weight. OK a huge bunch of weight. I want people to text when I want to eat. I want to go back to the roots of my coffee addiction.
I still drink my coffee black. It makes me a little anxious to drink anything in it.
I want people who support my weight loss no matter what path I choose to get there. I want people who understand that sometimes you have to starve yourself to feel whole again.
I feel alone even though I have people who love me because I don't have people who will let me do it. Or who will push me to do the best with it that I can. Maybe I'm just tired.
Maybe I'm just sick of everything being too far to reach. Nothing is in my control anymore.
Love,
Alex