Just Wow.

Tomorrow is I.M.'s party.
Guess who doesn't get to go.
That's right.
Me.
I'm missing her sixteenth party because I don't know her friends.
Whatever.
I care....a lot.
Stings like a bitch.
Not that I'd tell her.
I'll text her, soon.
Be all "Enjoy your party!~"
She says that it's her thinking about me.
That I would be ignored.
Like I care.
I wanted to see her.

Three Days

That's how many days THIS week that I've missed.
I still have home work and test to make up from the last three days I missed LAST WEEK.
Home schooling sounding like a good idea?
Yep.
It's just...I don't wanna go back.
I feel like something bloomed in while talking to I.M. and going back means realizing that everything is THE SAME!
Tonight, I'm going out.
Hang around town.
Annoy my friends by being dressed up as a dude.
I've realized that no matter what they say, it annoys most of them.
Probably steal my older brother's clothes.
They've always looked better on me anyway.
I'm done with pills.
This past year that's all it's been.
Pills, pills, pills!
No more!
I.M.'s right, they're drugs all the same.
Anyway, I feel so much better now that I haven't taken anything for the first time in...nearly a year.
I feel amazingly...REAL.
Razor SHARP!~

Confused.

I've been given this "Thin is beautiful policy."
I.M. is now telling me that she doesn't like cuddling with me because I'm too thin.
I'm not thin though.
I'm so...confused.

All the way here,

I told myself, "I'm gonna get out there, yeah, and I'm going to run, just run. Even if it's raining."
It was dark when we got home.
I don't want want to run alone in the dark.
So I'm telling myself "I'll fast...and do it tomorrow.
I just wanna run so badly. Running gets rid of the fat on my hips, makes them stand out more.
I love when my hipbones stand out.
L.S. is starting a diet.
I'm gonna say that I'm starting one too at the lunch table.
Just be all "I'm not fat, but I'm not the thinnest I could be either.
I do. I want to be thinner.
I wanna run.
For...forever. Just forget everything.
I wanna dress like Cassie, be thin like a model, act like Effy.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will fast.
What's with me saying all this crazy shit to I.M. about being content?
I'm going to fast.
I'm going to bee thin and lovely and light.
Air-light.
...Anna...And her comments about people who don't eat.
She acts like she understands.
But she really doesn't.
Dropped half my sandwich.
To her it's a loss.
To me, it's a saving grace.
She just needs to shut her mouth about it.
I know, I need to calm down, just take it, try to make her understand, but I just want to look at her and go "Look, chick."
What brought this on?
L.S. said she was going to go on a diet, yeah, but the diet's REAL unhealthy. Like "a little bit of veggies" Veggie's are a dieter's saving grace!
Anyway, when I move my shoulder blades decide to stick out.

Kes: I hate, hate, hate putting things off but when I go to do it, I'm like "Uuuhhhh...." and end up not doing it.

"I'll do it tomorrow."

I have that thought process.
I've been eating less, which is great.
Food makes me sick to my stomach.
But I keep telling myself to fast.
My reply to me?
"Tomorrow is better."
I want to look myself in the eyes, using a mirror of course, and say "Fuck you, now. Not tomorrow, now."
Other than that, life's been great.
Other than putting everything off until the last possible minute (even sleeping), I'm awesome.
Now, I think I'm gonna go for a walk or shower.

Can't sleep.

This isn't the first time I've kept weird hours because of an illness. It's just sooo...strange to be doing jumping jacks while feeling like I'm going to puke.
I've gotten fat.
Only 40 jumping jacks before I feel tired.
What is this shit?
I'm ashamed of myself.
Before I could do 100 without noticing.
So, I'm working out every time my computer decides to take forever to load
Crunches mainly.
I'm looking up more thinspo.OH! Right. The doctor's.
I went there.
137 (that's what's between 136 and 138 right?).
Need to lose weight.
I told my mom I wanted to go vegan.
Without even thinking about how I could lose weight doing it.
It was just a challenge, there for me to take.
I told my mom that I'd do it if she got me vitamins so that I didn't die the first week.
I'll start tomorrow.

I'm so tired of being so fat.
I also need sleep. But I'm not tired. I guess I'll just do some more jumping jacks.
I'll feel it all tomorrow, staying up until one in the morning.
But I need to get into shape. I don't know what to do anymore.
What do people see in fat people?
I mean, I.M.'s far from skinny, but I don't see their beauty anymore.
I know, mentally, that they're not ugly.
Still, part of me doesn't want to have to try to be pretty.
I want it to come effortlessly.
I love how we get tired.
But we can't sleep.
It's neat.
I'm going now before I attack you with another picture.
Goodnight.
(50 jumping jacks, at least, before bed)

In almost an hour and a half,

I will be dying my hair blue.
Yeah, for real.
I'm more than excited.
But I'm not acting it.
It's fun.
I mean....Not showing how I feel is fun.

I did my make up.
Really, I don't know if it'll look good with blue hair.
I covered my whole eyelid with black liner and then smudged dark purple into it.
I'm sure I look all panda-ish.
LATER
Okay, my hair is green, blue, and pink.
The green and blue are really freaking dark.
I'm chill with that though.
I look like a panda but I'm chill with that too.
Tomorrow, I go back to school.
I'm not ready.
It's making me nervous just thinking about it.
I don't eat much when I'm nervous.

Comment:

Zette: I try to forget em. They're just...everywhere. And thanks, I'll try to be strong. You should too. ^^